No bullshit

jfc you’d think I’d know it by now. I’m cranky, picking fights, can’t settle my headspace. oh right, it’s May. Every year I think, maybe next year I’ll just slip past it, it’s been so long, why does it even bother me. and then here I am, being a giant jerk ass. maybe next year I’ll sign up for some really punishing workout routine May 1st, see if it makes a difference.

see you on the other side of the I’m sure coming soon future crying fest.

all I can do every day is try not to cry

and fail

I’m going to be a bit fucked up after watching this. I loved the book, had completely forgotten every little thing in it except the fact that I loved it. Now I know.

Does everyone who knows or knew someone with schizophrenia watch it, trying to look away, unable to look away? Every minute of it painful and true. I knew exactly the failure he feels when his brother dies.

it’s been a minute. Sorry. I, ummm, moved – to Europe. Not saying where cause even though this is an anonymous blog I do try to keep out PII.

So anyway, here I am, a year and a half later. Still seeing FF2 when I visit NYC. Threesome’d it up with him and the gf last time. I was worried it would be weird but, hey, I like 3-ways and this was just as great as any other. They were both surprisingly nervous but I played MC and facilitiator (“We’re all grownups here and if you are uncomfortable, or want something, or don’t want something: speak up. It’s all ok as long as we communicate.”)

Anyhoo, I came back to write about more dreams. Sorry, I know you are here for the sex and depression, but today I want to talk about recurring dreams.

My subconscious’ favorite stress dream involves travel. Which is ironic, because I travel a lot, and I like traveling, and I rarely stress around actual travel. But in dreams? I’m late, I can’t find the gate, I’m on a bus headed in the wrong direction, I won’t make my connection, I’m on a bus but forgot my ticket and have to turn around, I have the wrong ticket, it’s the wrong day, I’VE LOST MY MOM whom I’m supposed to be care-taking, I’m on a plane that has to land or take off by DRIVING ON A HIGHWAY this one happens a lot, no idea why.

Had one last night of the bus/ticket/late variety and seriously, I just don’t know why. Thanks subconscious.

It’s getting dark earlier and earlier here in northern Europe. I’m still single and now I live alone in a relatively unfriendly foreign country and this will be my second winter here by myself.

Maybe I should try dating girls.

There have been a lot of FDNY deaths lately — one line of duty, a couple WTC related illnesses, two in Iraq. Long story short: a lot of ceremonies, processions, wakes, funerals — and suddenly my two guys, whose schedules are normally very different, are around a lot, and overlapping. I do consider it my civic duty to provide sex and comfort whenever possible but this week might kill me. Wish me luck.

All that said, FF1 is still my favorite. I love sex with him, and I’m truly fond of him.

Did I mention that FF2 has a magic penis? I mean, I’ve had my share of dick, but I didn’t believe similar reports before: a dick’s a dick, right? but now that I’ve experienced it…

It’s sometimes a little painful – I don’t know if it’s size or shape, but it hits something inside me that’s sensitive. If it hits just right, it’s amazing. If it hits slightly wrong, it can hurt. We’ve had some fun figuring out positions. Good thing he’s been doing Pilates.

And then there were two. I know, it seems like a bad idea, right? at the same time it sounds like a really good idea, right? Right.

#2 is totally different than the favorite #1, but he’s more accessible, in spite of most likely probably married (says he’s separated, whatever). But super fun as well.

Wish me luck, dear reader.

Boy: I’m getting divorced. Can I come over for sympathy sex?

Me: Will you bring your dog?

Boy:

Me: No, seriously.

A mutual friend had foot surgery and needs to stay off it for four weeks.

Friend: I can’t believe she has to stay completely off her foot for four weeks. That’s so long! I’m glad she has a full time nanny, a husband and both moms around. I’d better make her a casserole or something.

Me: yeah I know it’s tough. I had to stay off mine for eight weeks, and I live alone.

Friend:

Me: but she has two small kids. I know it’s different.

Friend: yeah but you’re tough.

Me: