Entries from November 2008 ↓

Why and how did I think this would make me better? I hate these things and need to throw away every last one of them. I ran out of the high blood pressure patient ones and didn’t want the Tylenol anyway so I took a regular one and now my heart is racing and I might not sleep and I FUCKING HATE THIS.

it’s so beautiful out i can hardly stand it. in no particular order: the leaves swirling up in the wind eddies around me. walking through the courts, the poor kid being arraigned in front of the thai restaurant, cold police plaza. dead bird, dead rat, both on the ground looking frozen. feeling fine about getting to friends & food & wine then seeing the man trying to sleep in the outdoor foyer. yes, i feel guilty. shouldn’t i? shouldn’t we? chinatown has more bars open at this hour than i’d have imagined. empty, lovely bars.  

i really was going to take the subway home. it’s freakin’ cold out. but no local train at astor, no local at bleecker, i just decided to keep walking. it was only cold by the water where there was nothing to break the wind. thank god for the ramones, for those who made the tribute album, what great walking tunes.

more time to myself, walking. i love you.

Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck

I really am that naive.  How is that even fucking possible?

You really thought it was ok to ask my friend where you could go on a date that you wouldn’t run into me?

Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck

You really thought it was ok to ignore me, refuse to answer me in person, on line, on email, at all?

Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck

You really thought it was ok to come back and fuck me afterwards?

Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck

Ain’t nothing good about this day. Unidentified creepy bugs last night, unwelcome revelations today.

But I didn’t smoke. I put in lipstick, boots, tight jeans, ordered a beer. But I didn’t smoke.