Entries from January 2009 ↓

just like in a dream. the kind where your heart grips, hard, must be what the start of a heart attack feels like.

he –definitely a ‘he’ — looming over my right shoulder, menacing, about to touch. i spun around, hard. there’s no one there. i’m on fucking houston st., waiting for the bus. there’s tons of people around. where did this come from?

Facebook status updates I’ll never post:

badannie is massively depressed.
badannie needs a pity fuck. anyone? no, not you. and not you. anyone else?
badannie is fat and lonely and can’t get off the couch today.
badannie hates her fucking job.
badannie doesn’t want to do this any more.
badannie wants to blame other people for her current emotional state.
badannie has started smoking again because she can’t think of anything else self-destructive to do.
badannie spent her 44th birthday alone with a takeout pizza and cried herself to sleep.
badannie cried her self to sleep — again.
badannie’s had a very bad year.

full moon. hormones? i bet this stupid iud is running out of juice. I WANT A DRINK. I WANT A SMOKE. I AM HUNGRY. I WANT TO GET LAID. I AM CRANKY !!!!!

i am going to sit here on the couch and do nothing of the sort.

Really glad i wrote the earlier post about Craig, and that i’d written the original, longhand, when it happened. It’s really good to have the touchpoint, to be able to remember what memories are mine and what are his.

Because fucking facebook, Andy-now-Andrew looks me up, he and the new fiancee are in town, let’s have dinner. Ok. First, weird, they’ve known each other less than a month and they’re GETTING MARRIED. And she’s a minister, or trained as one anyway. And his kids were there. Yipes.

And he still has so much anger. I have far more right to anger, not only for the old revelations but apparently new ones, too, but honestly, I’ve let more of it go. He really wanted to talk about what a shit Craig was. I know, I wrote it earlier, it’s so hard to trash-talk someone who’s dead, and he was pretty sure I’d be a sympathetic ear. But a) I have more right and b) I walked away from it. Why can’t he? 

I don’t know if I’m more surprised at his anger or my lack of it.