Entries from February 2009 ↓

i’ve been smoking. a lot. i quit for a week on vacation and lit up the moment i was home. but i smoked too much the other night, drinking, and it stunk. i’m done again. i’m done.

happy music gives way to neil young and there you are, don, playing it loud outside the window, trying to piss off paper mag.

I didn’t know you were an addict. I knew you were a drunk — seriously, we all were — but I didn’t know you had or were headed for heroin. You were so alive, so engaged — how does heroin fit in with that?

I wish I could talk with others who knew you, but I don’t talk to them any more, only Greta and she’s too fragile. I wish i knew.

and I’m up. nervous – twitchy like a teenager in a scary movie. It’s like there’s some sound I can’t identify, I can’t hear it now, but I think it woke me up. Bad dreams? maybe. something has me deeply unsettled. I give in, get up.

bad annie was very bad last night. what’s with all these young boys? I really, truly don’t think I have a thing for them — but there I was, drunk and really in no shape to be exercising judgment. When he kissed me, well, bad annie’s been on a dry spell, I kissed him right back. and then I took him home. I knew it was bad while I was doing it but I just so needed this milestone to be behind me. it was good to be naked with someone again. He talked about love! ex-boy never once used that word in my presence except that one time talking about his ex. anyway i hope he had fun and i hope he doesn’t take it any more seriously than that. he’s a valuable employee, i’d had to make uncle d. have choose between us.