Entries from September 2010 ↓

At J.’s request, I’ve updated my online profile to read ‘bi’. He really wants to find a second girl for us to fuck, and it’ll be easier for me to find her than him.

And it’s true, I just don’t really self-identify that way, and I’m not really looking to date women. I just want to fuck one. With him.

I worked from home on Monday and J. and I spent most of the day on IM sexting. Not all of it titillating but a great, explicit discussion of what we’ve done (where, what, whom) and what we want to do. He’s dying to pop my ass cherry. lol. couldn’t get that phrase out of my mind all night. Continued via phone text when we both went out but my party ran late, he went home to brooklyn. His directness and unabashed need makes me very hot. Woke up in the night thinking of his cock, had to rub one off to go back to sleep. He checked in again tonight but I had class til late. Gotta figure out this scheduling thing.

Another sex date from online… disappointing. And I knew it would be, but I just couldn’t stop myself from going through with it. He was so excited I looked like my picture, and actually showed up. But he was small — short and thin — and I’m pretty sure took a cialis or similar when he went to the lavatory at the bar. He came back and wanted to hang out for a bit more before going back to his apartment and then had a raging hard-on on the walk back. sex and even just touching just…. disappointing.

whatever.

I’ve been doing this for two years? cool.

I haven’t exercised much since hurting my toe, and I’ve been drinking a fair amount, and hence I’ve been feeling less fabulous than I should. And it’s shocking how externally focused I am — I do so need external validation. So I meet this boy who thinks I’m hot and guess what? now I am again.

I wake up in Bushwick and I’m totally spooned between this lovely boy and his puppy dog, one on each side. bliss.

Yes, that needed a headline. It was about fucking time. Met him online, kind of surprised to have escalated it right away, but I needed sex and there he was, looking for it. Looking for me. So not my type– kind of preppy looking, but smart and funny and very comfortable talking explicitly about sex. I’m never initiating that conversation, but I’ll participate; it was kind of fun. He thinks I’m sexy. He loved how I sucked his cock (though to be fair, I’m really very, very good at it.) He seemed surprised that I woke him up early for more. I’ve no idea where this is going, and I don’t think he’s boyfriend material, but he has really nice dimples and an adorable smile and wants to fuck me with another chick if we can find one. I’m not giving him a nickname yet. He’s just J., for now, and I’m trying really hard not to online stalk him, but I would like another piece of that. Soon.

so j. is single and I am single and we have a lot of friends in common, some of whom think we should get together. I’m not particularly interested but once in a while when I get extra-lonely, I am tempted. He does have a beautiful body.

so I get caught up in one of those moments the other day, and today he texts me to go see a movie he has passes to. and I think, is this a date? I can’t tell. but I dress as if it’s a date, just in case.

the movie is fine and we are on the subway back and I’m just about to invite him back to the ‘hood for a beer when he says, I should really go to this party for my friend’s music release, and gets out at the next step. doesn’t invite me.

sigh. not a date.

just as well, he’s m’s ex and they haven’t been talking since she called the police on him and she claims he hit her. oh and she has hpv and I know they slept together last year — has he even been tested?

so I know it’s all for the best,but here I am, bad annie home alone again and sad.

why do I always get mad at ex-boy during the open? he’s been trying to be so nice and so he wanted to arrange to get me tickets. first time ever. but he also invited the newlyweds, also to be nice, and it was, but then they all arranged to go weds instead of tues and I already had plans. I got bent out of shape but realized, he’s just trying to be nice, and I should suck it up and rearrange my plans. so I do. and he says he’s going to stay after the day match so he can see us and have a drink and hang out– but the newlyweds get there first and he texts me over & over but I’m still waiting for k., and by the time I get in the stadium, he’s back in the office, won’t come out, and leaves to go to dinner. so now I’m all mad again and it’s stupid.

I should get over it. I should finish reading The Art of Happiness. I should get laid. I really have to disengage.

I don’t remember the rest of the dream but here’s how it ends: I have to take a giant bite of this big fluffy dandelion weed looking marshmallowy thing, and I just know it’s going to be gross but I know I have to do it, and I cry, ‘but I just wanted Ginny here when I had to do it,” but she isn’t and so I take a big giant totally gross bite of it and it melts awfully in my mouth.