Entries from November 2010 ↓

Finally hooked up with K. He sent me an invite through a dating site – kinda funny. I took it as meaning he wanted me to have no doubt of his intentions. Turns out he’s been in a rough patch lately. He seemed in need of some female companionship, so I stepped in.

Not so great, as I could have guessed. Didn’t like using a condom and in a spectacular lack of judgment, I agreed. Can’t do that again. (p.s. just determined not pregnant from before, do I have to worry again?)

He wasn’t so into fucking at all, though. Much more interested in pleasing me, which would have been nice if I’d been more sober. Finally had to tell him to hold it until morning… so he woke me up softly fingering me. Actually very nice – I’d already decided the only way out of this was forward. He was pleased I finally came but then immediately started up again, had to tell him once more to take a break.

Worried he actaully likes me. I really don’t want to repeat this.

G. spent the holiday with his sister, finally texted me Weds. E. was with family then friends this weekend, only replied after my second text. Ex-boy spent the day with his new squeeze but couldn’t tell me about it until after.

Guess I am just the girl they fuck sometimes. Is it too much to ask for a little friendship and decency along the way?

texted g. early in the day – i think the first time i’ve reached out to him first. haven’t heard back. i decided to pretend it was a phone problem and texted him the same message a few minutes ago. nothing yet. hope he’s just busy.

stopped by the shop and saw e., but the store was busy, i think it’s hard for him to see me when he’s got other things on his mind. will text him later and see what’s up for the weekend. hope it was just the store and not anything else on his mind.

but on the brighter side, got an IM from j. this afternoon wishing me a happy thanksgiving. he really has just been busy. he said i was ‘dam good’ in bed, ‘wet and tight and positive.’ big smiles from me. vague promises all around about spreading some holiday cheer – now there’s something to look forward to.

oh, and i gave my phone number to l., former colleague who’s become a bit closer via facebook. what the hell.

1. pretty sure I’m not pregnant. took a home test last week, negative. it was only at two weeks, though, so I’ll do another one this week just to be safe. hugely relieved. also – to be honest – a tiny bit disappointed. i really, really, don’t want a baby or another abortion, but maybe i’m a tad sad that i probably actually can’t. how fucked up is that.

2. saw the lad a second time. he walked in the door and just fucking seduced me. almost didn’t make it out of the doorway. wow. after, opened a bottle of wine but then decided to go out down the block and have a beer. nice to be out with him, nice to be seen (!) on the block with him. very, very nice to fuck him. in the morning, ended up in a crazy yoga sex position, my poor hip flexors but yeah. wow.

3. still seeing G. as well. i don’t know why it surprises me, but it does. he’s very sweet, considerate, always walks me downstairs to get a cab in the morning, loves showing off his new apartment stuff. last week, new paintings, he has good taste. easy enough i suppose when you have that kind of money. did i mention he spent 2.1 million on the apartment? cash? i’m surprised i care, but i do. lovely break of dawn morning sex too, I think the best to date with him, very relaxed and sexy.

4. still think i need to work out a girl date. i like these guys but i’m not having enough orgasms with them.

5. oh. fucked ex-boy again, this time at the river after our hosts went to bed. he’s seeing someone now, too. no idea why we keep doing this.

ran into an old neighbor on the subway, always liked her but haven’t seen her in — well, it turns out over a year. her husband has cancer, mantle cell lymphoma, and he’s chemo resistant but just had the ileostomy reversed and when he’s healed from that, needs a bone marrow transplant. they found a donor but it’s only 9 points out of 10 and although that sounds good, apparently it’s not but as she said, the closer you get to dying the more they’ll consider a 9.

i gave her my number and hope she’ll call to go get a drink one day. i always liked her.

I don’t remember the whole dream – it was the night before’s already – but the end of it is I find a condom by the bed and when I go to pick it up, I find ex-ex S. hiding under the bed. That’s so creepy.

The bed still smells of you, E.: sweat and sex and you. I know that I should change the sheets, but I just can’t.

I’m dating the 51-yr-old G. and now the 28-yr-old E. That enough of a spread for you? yes, only once so far with E., but I stopped by the store and saw him today and his face lit up, gave me a big hug. It might be wrong, but I really do like that boy. He’s very special and I will do my best to respect that and do the right thing by him.

But I’d still do J. in a heartbeat if he called, still trying to work out one of the two girl dates, wouldn’t mind seeing K. if we ever sort that out, and basically can’t seem to help myself around anyone remotely sexual.

Guess things will calm down for a few weeks after my foot surgery. Probably not a bad thing at all.

Did I mention he’s 28?

on the second go, our condom broke. fuck.

The lad was so chagrined, deeply concerned that I was now going to have to take the emergency pill. but do I? I’m 46, in perimenopause, I couldn’t get pregnant if I tried right now. but since I’m really, really, not trying? should I take a Plan B? I’m worried about taking the hormones, worried about it making me sick. But seriously, should I risk it? my chances of getting pregnant under the best of circumstances are diminished by 55%. is that enough? how will I know? I haven’t had a period in 7 weeks. I guess I take a pregnancy test in a couple weeks to be sure.

or I wake up tomorrow and get the pill. I’ve put off the decision three days, it’s almost too late already. it’s tomorrow morning or wait & see.

fuck.