Entries from October 2011 ↓

I am, truly, not the girl you take home to mom & dad. I am not the girl you date. I am the girl you call last-minute for sex, when it’s mutually convenient. I am never the girl who goes home for the holidays, goes to your corporate dinner party or even meets your friends.

Bad Annie went on a ‘real’ date yesterday and barely knew how to conduct herelf. After a chaste kiss goodbye I wasn’t sure if I’d failed somehow or if that’s how it’s supposed to go.

At this point in my life, shouldn’t I be able to be my true fulfilled self and still be able to be with a partner? WTF. I’ve been completely deceived.

I paid my respects in public, but any mourning must be done in private. His funeral is not exactly where his wife wants to hear how he once said he’d leave her for me. I don’t know for certain if M. knows, or if H. does, but I suspect no one knew. And M. certainly doesn’t know the extent of it, or how many trade secrets he shared those nights in the hotel. And now it’s just me, and I can’t share it with anyone.

I only slept with him the first time to see if he’d actually go through with it. Sex with him was awful, but we saw each other for a long time. Maybe close to two years? I don’t remember exactly. I just couldn’t bring myself to end it, I really don’t know why. I was never in love with him, but I do feel his loss. I think losing a lover, however long ago, has a special poignancy. Even if you can’t even tell your closest friends.

(For the record, dear reader, in case you didn’t know, the secrecy is due to the fact that I worked for him, as did many of my friends. They would be truly shocked.)

So I saw G. the other night and we had the most loving, tender sex I may have ever had. I went over, we had a couple of drinks, went to bed. He cupped one hand around my buttocks and with the other stroked me – was physically very insistent that I have an orgasm, no faking it, not going to let up until I did. That doesn’t sound very loving, but it was, truly, and I think partly because he held me so close the whole time. I tried to arouse him, but as is often the case at night, he wasn’t erect, so we fell asleep. And like magic, he wakes up with a giant hard-on and fucks me in the approaching dawn. It was just lovely. After, we lay there with my head on his chest and he lightly stroked my back and face for a long time. I wouldn’t have moved for the world.