These Three Things

I’ve spent much of my alone time the last few weeks crying. Being single is weighing on me, and I’m tired of being alone. Tired of being alone at the holidays. Tired of being alone period.

Only three things make me feel better when I’m like this: sex, exercise and helping other people. I haven’t found a volunteer gig or a way to give back. I’m exercising some, but it’s not enough and with all my injuries, I’m pretty restricted. The beautiful boy has been busy — I truly don’t begrudge him it, but it doesn’t help me. G. has been busy. It’s not J.’s job to keep me sane.

So when C. texted me last night, I was all happy. He showed up sober this time. It’s been a while since that drunken night last month, but he worked the last 20 days in a row and then went to Florida. He came by to see me on his way home. Which, from my limited perspective, means he likes me. And wow, I really do like him. He’s happy and he likes to fuck. He likes to fuck me. And he likes to give me pleasure– he notices when I don’t come, and he cares, but he doesn’t push it if I won’t or can’t.

I really do know this is a relationship of convenience, and it’ll never be anything else, and I really do want something more. But right now, I’m happy again, and I love fucking that man.