on again off again

A brief recap: Kyle flaked on a date over Chinese New Year’s, I got mad, swore I was breaking up. Made up that Tuesday (played hooky again from work to see him) and he proposed. I said yes even though I knew as I was saying it that there was at best a 50/50 chance he was serious. Oh and he told me he was having a baby in May with his ex. I actually think that’s kind of cool — I do love babies, and I don’t want to make any. Kind of seemed like a good deal.

On again off again. Another broken date, another few days of not hearing from him. Saw him briefly, again on his schedule, then another broken promise, haven’t heard from him since Friday.

This time I’m not mad. I’ve decided he has a lot going on his life, clearly more than he’s willing to share right now, and he’s not mature enough to deal with it well. I’m going to give him the space to figure it out and if he pulls through, great, and if not, I’m not going to wrap up my self identity or my well being in it.

I realized that he acts like a married man: he won’t let me visit him at home, he seems like he has no control over his schedule, he won’t stay over. Maybe he’s still living with the ex?

In any case, I do wish he was capable of sharing. Or communicating in any way. But he can’t.

So I’m not staying faithful unless he can pull it together to see me more regularly. My fireman texted today and I’m going to see him tomorrow. And I’m not telling Kyle, whether we get or stay together or not.