Entries from July 2014 ↓

I want to sell my apartment and use part of the profit to fund a year off. I am craving drastic change. Fuck-it kind of change. If I clear $500k, which is possible, I will put $300k in a safe liquid account, put $100k in an off-shore account with me and my siblings’ names on it, and put the remaining $100k in an adventure fund. I don’t think I’ll spend even half of it, but I want it to be accessible. I will sell off most of my belongings, put in storage everything else, and take off.

Part of the time I want to do volunteer work. I’ve found so much joy these last two years doing muck-outs, demolitions and now rebuilds. The disaster corps community is filled with fucked-up people I love. I think I can alternate some longer-term volunteer work with adventure travel, do that hike in New Zealand, ski the King’s Trail in Sweden, walk across Japan…  see who I meet, what I want to do when it’s done.

Fuck it, I’m (almost) 50 and alone, I think I should just do what I want. I don’t want to do it alone, but if I can afford the group guided travel, that’ll work.

If I sell it, and at that price… otherwise, money is strapped right now, and it makes me more than a little nervous. I wanted to wait until next spring to sell, let things in the building and the neighborhood settle, but I’m going to call my broker when I get back and start exploring options.

I turn 50 in 12 days. I’ve never cared about an age before, but this one has me wound up. All I have to say to myself is that I’ll be 50 and alone, and it’s hard not to cry. Why do I care? because it seems like if I’m alone now, I really might always be. And I’m not ready to face up to the idea that I might go through my entire fucking life never being in love. It just seems so unfair.

Gentle reader, it’s been a while, and I don’t know why. I am always better off when I share. Here’s the latest – dates with parents and children:

G. rang me up recently and had me join him for dinner with his son. We had a nice evening, went home separately. I couldn’t tell if it was a grownup “here’s how to be a man in the city” educational date for the kid, or an audition to see which of the women the kid likes. Maybe both? Maybe neither? All okay and pleasant nevertheless. I have seen him I think once since that last post, sushi again, way too many cocktails, heroic blowjob (he really is massive), uncomfortable sleepover and a giant hangover. Just saying, hanging out with the kid and going home wasn’t so bad.

Still hanging out with the boyfriend, though I’m 99% over having sex with him. Maybe we really can be friends. His parents were in town this week, and it’s his birthday today, so he had a group dinner thing and invited me. I spent most of the evening talking with his mom, whose company I really liked. She’s an artist and we chatted about her latest project and sipped wine, and it was nice.

Fireman’s still my #1 fave, he’s been working shifts downtown so I get to see him more often again. I’ve no idea how long I’ll be able to keep this up but I’m in for the full ride as long as it lasts.

No newbies on the horizon. I should probably work on that. Re-reading the above, all I’ve really got going on is Fireman, and that is too sporadic to sustain me. I’ve been daydreaming about having him move in, or needing some paperwork technicality to get married, something that makes this important or official or whatever. I should be careful with that.

Oh and I’m a tiny bit obsessed with this beautiful 27 yr old Puerto Rican man I volunteer with. I want to find a beautiful girl for him and be godmother to their babies. Okay, I really just want to fuck him, but since that’s bordering on creepy, maybe I should find out if he has an uncle or something.

So in truth, dear reader, this update simply means nothing at all has changed.