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Saw the beautiful boy last night. Met for dinner (another date!), ate sushi for the first time, came back and fucked. I really do so like him. We are both so open with each other and much more sexually exploratory than with others. It’s really, really nice.

The night before I was at the local bar. Came home with three phone numbers, including a couple who won’t fucking stop calling me. I told them the next day it wasn’t happening – I don’t fuck where I drink. They’ll figure it out eventually.

So life is full of complications and contradictions and I’m sleeping with a fireman and a beautiful 27 year old and who knows what’s up with Kyle and if he thinks I’m somehow being faithful to him while he’s so erratic. And i decided none of it matters. I love them all and I’m having a grand time and I’m just going to live with it.

I loved lying there, talking with the beautiful boy after sex, so open and loving and honest.

Kyle’s ex had their baby the other day — 9 weeks premature. He’s been doing pretty much nothing but going to work and going to the hospital; they were trying to prevent her from going into labor but I guess nature just took its course.

He spent most of a week a block and a half away from me at the hospital and didn’t even tell me.
I’ve decided they probably are still together.

In any event, I’m glad everyone is okay and healthy. I’m sure the baby will have a difficult few weeks here, but he’s viable and i guess it’ll all be okay in the end.

Me: Fuck me
Him: Let me get a condom
Me: Wow you really are sober

A brief recap: Kyle flaked on a date over Chinese New Year’s, I got mad, swore I was breaking up. Made up that Tuesday (played hooky again from work to see him) and he proposed. I said yes even though I knew as I was saying it that there was at best a 50/50 chance he was serious. Oh and he told me he was having a baby in May with his ex. I actually think that’s kind of cool — I do love babies, and I don’t want to make any. Kind of seemed like a good deal.

On again off again. Another broken date, another few days of not hearing from him. Saw him briefly, again on his schedule, then another broken promise, haven’t heard from him since Friday.

This time I’m not mad. I’ve decided he has a lot going on his life, clearly more than he’s willing to share right now, and he’s not mature enough to deal with it well. I’m going to give him the space to figure it out and if he pulls through, great, and if not, I’m not going to wrap up my self identity or my well being in it.

I realized that he acts like a married man: he won’t let me visit him at home, he seems like he has no control over his schedule, he won’t stay over. Maybe he’s still living with the ex?

In any case, I do wish he was capable of sharing. Or communicating in any way. But he can’t.

So I’m not staying faithful unless he can pull it together to see me more regularly. My fireman texted today and I’m going to see him tomorrow. And I’m not telling Kyle, whether we get or stay together or not.

Have I already said this before? there are days when I think I’m just waiting for my mother to die so I can commit suicide in peace. I can’t do it while she’s alive, I just wouldn’t do that to her.

oh fuck I am now seeing a 31 yr old and a 27 yr old. and the 31 yr old thinks I shouldn’t be fucking anyone else. and he thinks I’m not. and he’s jealous.

I don’t want to be a bad person but there’s a part of me that truly loves them both. I told the beautiful boy last night that if only he was 20 yrs older I’d be in love with him. He stopped me and said 10. If we could cut it to 10…. sigh. But it’s 20 and that means there really is no future here. Frankly, ditto with Kyle. He’s not really going to want to be with me at 44 and 60, and so on.

oh dear what am I doing?

So yes, he grew up in Korea and he loves sushi and eats all kinds of weird fish stuff and I love it. Next big admission will be to tell him I’ve never really eaten sushi and ask him to help me learn it. Watching him eat a fried fish head was one of the sexiest things I’ve ever seen.

I hadn’t heard from the beautiful boy about confirming dinner. I finally emailed asking if he wanted to ink or erase our penciled-in date… and he said yes. We had a lovely sushi dinner (well, he did — not sure if he noticed I don’t really eat raw fish, but that’s another story).

We came back to my place, opened a bottle of bubbly and chatted. And he admitted he’d seen my profile and done the math, and he actually asked for the real number, which I gave. And he kissed me, and we talked some more, and it was great to be open about it, and we had beautiful sex.

I am in such big trouble.

I checked my LinkedIn stats today and it looks like the beautiful boy checked my profile. Guess he finally learned how to use the internet (inside joke).

Wonder if he’ll still keep our date now that he’s seen that I graduated from college when he was, what, one year old?

Tuesday he texts and calls me all day at work. We talk about how hard it is to communicate when we don’t know each other very well, he reiterates how much he wants to be with me — but he again won’t make plans to see me, puts me off again, promises he’ll come by between his shifts Weds (he’s working a double on his first day back, which sounds like a really bad idea). He sends me pics of the blood in the hallway; there is rather a lot of it. I make plans to see a friend so I don’t sit around and wallow in this, and he gets jealous, wants to know if it’s a guy and someone I’ve been seeing. I tell him the truth, which is no, but really, if he won’t see me, how long am I supposed to pretend to be committed to this thing?

I texted him late evening, no answer. I texted him this morning, no answer until almost 11. He can’t come see me today. Too bad I took the fucking day off so I could be here. I don’t tell him I did it for him but I do tell him I’m working from home. Maybe he’ll change his mind later and work something out. Maybe he won’t and I’ll keep my date with the beautiful boy tomorrow. Actually, at this point, I think I’m keeping my date either way. It’s just a matter of whether I’m admitting it to him or not.