No bullshit

I’m vaguely disturbed by my continuing attraction to 27 yr olds. I volunteer weekends with this beautiful man and often partner with him on jobs. We were hanging drywall on a ceiling, a difficult task made tricky by some unique logistics, and at one point he climbed up on my ladder and leaned into/over me to reach a spot with the screw drill, and I almost forgot to breathe. Ha.

whew, it had been a few weeks and I was getting worried that turning fifty meant I wasn’t going to get laid any more. But thankfully Mr. Fireman has just been busy and he swung by for a quickie on his way home from Queens. I am indeed geographically desirable…  I was just out of the bath when he texted, all warm and soft and clean. love that man, love that body.

I want to sell my apartment and use part of the profit to fund a year off. I am craving drastic change. Fuck-it kind of change. If I clear $500k, which is possible, I will put $300k in a safe liquid account, put $100k in an off-shore account with me and my siblings’ names on it, and put the remaining $100k in an adventure fund. I don’t think I’ll spend even half of it, but I want it to be accessible. I will sell off most of my belongings, put in storage everything else, and take off.

Part of the time I want to do volunteer work. I’ve found so much joy these last two years doing muck-outs, demolitions and now rebuilds. The disaster corps community is filled with fucked-up people I love. I think I can alternate some longer-term volunteer work with adventure travel, do that hike in New Zealand, ski the King’s Trail in Sweden, walk across Japan…  see who I meet, what I want to do when it’s done.

Fuck it, I’m (almost) 50 and alone, I think I should just do what I want. I don’t want to do it alone, but if I can afford the group guided travel, that’ll work.

If I sell it, and at that price… otherwise, money is strapped right now, and it makes me more than a little nervous. I wanted to wait until next spring to sell, let things in the building and the neighborhood settle, but I’m going to call my broker when I get back and start exploring options.

I turn 50 in 12 days. I’ve never cared about an age before, but this one has me wound up. All I have to say to myself is that I’ll be 50 and alone, and it’s hard not to cry. Why do I care? because it seems like if I’m alone now, I really might always be. And I’m not ready to face up to the idea that I might go through my entire fucking life never being in love. It just seems so unfair.

Gentle reader, it’s been a while, and I don’t know why. I am always better off when I share. Here’s the latest – dates with parents and children:

G. rang me up recently and had me join him for dinner with his son. We had a nice evening, went home separately. I couldn’t tell if it was a grownup “here’s how to be a man in the city” educational date for the kid, or an audition to see which of the women the kid likes. Maybe both? Maybe neither? All okay and pleasant nevertheless. I have seen him I think once since that last post, sushi again, way too many cocktails, heroic blowjob (he really is massive), uncomfortable sleepover and a giant hangover. Just saying, hanging out with the kid and going home wasn’t so bad.

Still hanging out with the boyfriend, though I’m 99% over having sex with him. Maybe we really can be friends. His parents were in town this week, and it’s his birthday today, so he had a group dinner thing and invited me. I spent most of the evening talking with his mom, whose company I really liked. She’s an artist and we chatted about her latest project and sipped wine, and it was nice.

Fireman’s still my #1 fave, he’s been working shifts downtown so I get to see him more often again. I’ve no idea how long I’ll be able to keep this up but I’m in for the full ride as long as it lasts.

No newbies on the horizon. I should probably work on that. Re-reading the above, all I’ve really got going on is Fireman, and that is too sporadic to sustain me. I’ve been daydreaming about having him move in, or needing some paperwork technicality to get married, something that makes this important or official or whatever. I should be careful with that.

Oh and I’m a tiny bit obsessed with this beautiful 27 yr old Puerto Rican man I volunteer with. I want to find a beautiful girl for him and be godmother to their babies. Okay, I really just want to fuck him, but since that’s bordering on creepy, maybe I should find out if he has an uncle or something.

So in truth, dear reader, this update simply means nothing at all has changed.

I’ve been seeing Mr. Firefighter a little more often than usual, which of course makes me happy. Up until now, our relationship has been very straightforward, almost transactional. For two years, since the day I met him, I’d never even seen him outside my apartment. He arrives, we have a great time, he stays over or doesn’t, thanks.

But then once or twice recently he texted ahead of time, actually made arrangements in advance to stay over. Okay, that was cool. and then, a week or so ago, he got to the neighborhood before I did and went down to the corner bar to have a drink. When I got here, he sent a couple flirty texts and then offered to have me come meet him there. What? well, okay, I put my panties on and hopped on down there. We had a couple of beers, talked, and then came home and fucked. It was almost like… a date. It was nice.

And he texted me merry christmas.

Maybe nothing’s changed, maybe this is just an acknowledgement that we’re grownups and we like each other’s company in addition to fucking. But yeah, I like it.

fireman wanted to see me the other night, called 10x in a row. I was too tired to see him, assumed he was pocket-dialing me anyway, but no, he just really wanted to see me. It’s silly how happy that made me. Tried to reschedule for tonight, but it didn’t work out. Funny how sad that made me.

this low chi thing sucks.

low chi these days. crappy times at work, my first poor performance review of my professional career. 100% of me wants to write it off because he’s an asshole, but there’s always that little voice that worries there’s a grain of truth in there. what if I’m just not that good any more? what if I never was?

need to refocus. thinking about selling the apartment – which I love and put a lot of effort into acquiring – so I can have some cash again and make some different career choices.

ugh. hope this passes soon.

I’ve gotten a surprising amount of action in the boot-cast. Fireman stopped in twice — yeah he couldn’t care less about a cast — and slept over once. I don’t always sleep well when he’s here but I love it when he stays over, that much testosterone at rest is just amazing. We fucked twice, as usual, but then a third time (since we had time), and I guess he’d only brought two condoms, so he fucked me without one the third time. Pulled out, of course, because I think he doesn’t know I’m already post-menopause, but given what I imagine to be his active sex life, I was surprised. It was kind of great.

Kyle also came by, once for the usual quick fuck and once to hang out, have dinner, watch a movie and have sex. I have to say, Fireman may be my favorite, but for actual quality of sex, Kyle’s the best. There’s just something about the way we move together, i just kind of melt into him, it’s much more sensual than with anyone else. In spite of the fact that I think he’s made of 99% bullshit. I was fingering his ass with his cock in my mouth, and he was so open, so into it, we talked about it later, and he’d really like me to get some toys and get more assertive with fucking him. I haven’t really done that before, but I’ll give it a shot. His responsiveness arouses me, it would be worth exploring how that goes.

Boyfriend also got drunk one night last week and started drunk-sexting me. It was funny because I was at dinner with a friend and was just passing him my phone to look at something when the “I want to cum inside you” text came through. Whoopsies. I thought about putting him off but I wanted the company, so he showed up to drunk-fuck. I have to admit, I don’t really love sex with him, we really probably should stop that. But I do love his company, and the next morning we ordered in breakfast and watched a nice quiet movie and cuddled on the couch for a few hours, it was really gentle and nice.

No moral in this post, just funny they seem to come in waves. J. is talking about getting together for a ‘drink’ soon too, and new guy B. — older, musician, very sweet — wants to follow up first date with a dinner thing.  When it rains it pours…

I texted the boyfriend yesterday and asked him to come by, and he promptly made plans to stop in tonight. Brought flowers, ordered dinner in with me, watched three episodes of The Good Wife. I know that being friends is the right thing to do, and I’m really trying not to be petulant, so I figured just telling him that I wanted to see him was better than sitting here with hurt feelings. I was right.