No bullshit

Dear friends, just a reminder that I am basically stuck here  at home, alone and invalid. If you are going to travel from afar to my neighborhood, you should ring me up and stop by to say hi, even if it’s only for a few minutes. Otherwise, fuck you.

Finally had the long-deferred foot surgery on Wednesday, fusing the joint in my right big toe. A bigger deal than I anticipated, and he had some minor complications. I’m in a cast up to my knee, not allowed to put any weight on it for at least two weeks and likely six. Crutches are a giant pain in the ass, because it means I can’t carry anything.

My sister came up for the first few days. I didn’t want her to, but it was nice to be able to stay immobile and let her handle food etc. Today was my first day alone and it was indeed difficult. I have friends coming by tonight and tomorrow, though, so I’ll figure it out.

The hardest part is knowing that the boyfriend stayed in town for the long weekend, but hasn’t come over. He texted once, and we have an ongoing email thread about some movies he recommended I watch while I was laid up, but it’s clear that this was meant to be our break, and it is, indeed, breaking my heart.

So I did end up going out on that date with G. We met at the latest fancy sushi place in Tribeca, had an expensive but not to my taste meal, chatted and caught up, and then…. went home. It was the first time he’d ever not taken me home with him, and I was surprised. Relieved, since things hadn’t actually ended with the boyfriend yet, and I was glad not to make that decision after all, but still. Couldn’t decide if it was just a trial to see if we were still interested in each other, or what. No mention, of course, of the many months of absence.

But I’ve heard from him semi-frequently since, and he talks about wanting to get together when he gets back to the city in a few weeks, so I guess we’ll see. At least he’s of appropriate age.

I haven’t told him about my foot surgery, though (see next post). Guess I’ll have to figure out how to handle that.

Turns out the boyfriend’s hesitancy all along is that he wants kids, and he knows I don’t, and so we love each other but can’t stay together. I don’t think he knows that I can’t have kids any more. He thinks I’m in my mid 40s. I started to correct him but then the waitress came over and then I forgot. Anyway, that’s the official story, and one we’re sticking with — no kids, no future. I do love him, and he me, but neither of us has put 100% into this because we’ve known from the beginning how it would end. At least he’s not 28.

We did have an amazing summer. In addition to the July 4th weekend, we also went upstate to a B&B, out to the Rockaways new motel, and last and most beautifully, out to Montauk last weekend. I’d never been and always wanted to go, and even though we already knew it was probably our last weekend together, he took me. We stayed at a rented condo, extravagantly expensive, right on the beach, and we had a perfect weekend. Lobster and champagne and moonrise and stars and laughter and love. I was so grateful.

I’ve never had a man treat me like, well, a girl… I’d never been taken away for the weekend, wined & dined. It was really sweet of him to give that to me.

And even though it had to come to an end — honestly, it probably would have anyway, let’s face it — at least I’ve had that experience now, and I know that’s what I want. Not the silly part of being treated like a girl, but the real part, where someone thinks I’m a nice girl and wants to treat me like a girlfriend not a lover.

It’s official: I want a boyfriend.

I sort of have a boyfriend. We agreed we’d keep things casual but I don’t know what that means. He’s not seeing anyone else and i haven’t since this started. Well, okay, the fireman once, but that was early on. We went away together for the July 4th weekend, we go on actual dates, and we’re also okay running into each other and not going home together. He’s also a local at my bar (open again! yay!), which both of us swore we’d never do, but here we are. Still seeing each other. He’s only 35, which makes me nervous, and I don’t know if he knows how old I am. It’s now been long enough I don’t want to bring it up, but what if he doesn’t and it’s weird? My birthday is coming up soon so I guess it’ll come up then.

G. got in touch last week after months of no contact. I asked the girls at the hair salon about dating other people. Amanda said I should do what makes me happy which is, of course, the only answer.

We hadn’t communicated well the past few days, so I agreed to G.’s date, but I’m going to cancel. Last night I went over to the boyfriend’s place and we had amazing, caring, beautiful sex. Napped and then fucked again. He didn’t sleep well, got up eventually and went to the couch. I felt a bit bereft and ended up leaving early, around 6, to come home. Nevertheless, it was a lovely night, and I don’t think I want to see G. tonight. I’m going to lie and put it off, defer a decision instead of making one. It’s cowardly but I want to keep my options open.

I need a new job. I need more money. I need my goddamned bar back. I need a boyfriend.

I try so hard to be a good person. It seems so unfair I have to live my life alone.

Bored and lonely. Still half in love with the beautiful boy (now 28!), still seeing my fireman very occasionally, still fucking J. and  the occasional other woman. Still home alone and no idea how not to be.

In love with a 27 year old. That is all.

I love my bar. Really, truly, I love my bar. I remember one night last year looking around and I barely knew any of them but I thought: yep, these are my people. And it turns out I was right. These are my people, and I love them. It’s a special place and I am glad to have them as my friends.

I haven’t written in a while, I guess. I did finally give up on Kyle — great sex but he’s just too damaged. I’m still seeing the beautiful boy and I’ve decided it’s just going to have to be okay to be a little bit in love with him. He slept over with me the first night in my new apartment, it was so nice. We’re seeing each other somewhat more regularly now — he told me I have to initiate dates, too, and not just wait for him. I’m trying really hard not to call him every fucking day.

And my fireman is awesome. He came over tonight – was driving back up from Virginia, stopped in for a quick fuck. I guess the denim mini was effective, he fucked me standing up in the middle of the apartment. Popped in the shower and dashed out to meet some friends. I fucking love it.

Do I still wish I had a ‘real’ boyfriend? Maybe. But I’m pretty happy with my two lovers.