A brief recap: Kyle flaked on a date over Chinese New Year’s, I got mad, swore I was breaking up. Made up that Tuesday (played hooky again from work to see him) and he proposed. I said yes even though I knew as I was saying it that there was at best a 50/50 chance he was serious. Oh and he told me he was having a baby in May with his ex. I actually think that’s kind of cool — I do love babies, and I don’t want to make any. Kind of seemed like a good deal.

On again off again. Another broken date, another few days of not hearing from him. Saw him briefly, again on his schedule, then another broken promise, haven’t heard from him since Friday.

This time I’m not mad. I’ve decided he has a lot going on his life, clearly more than he’s willing to share right now, and he’s not mature enough to deal with it well. I’m going to give him the space to figure it out and if he pulls through, great, and if not, I’m not going to wrap up my self identity or my well being in it.

I realized that he acts like a married man: he won’t let me visit him at home, he seems like he has no control over his schedule, he won’t stay over. Maybe he’s still living with the ex?

In any case, I do wish he was capable of sharing. Or communicating in any way. But he can’t.

So I’m not staying faithful unless he can pull it together to see me more regularly. My fireman texted today and I’m going to see him tomorrow. And I’m not telling Kyle, whether we get or stay together or not.

I did break things off with J2, who didn’t handle it well. So much for the ‘this isn’t a relationship’ pre-discussion. He wants to get together to talk about it. Like I want to talk. I said yes just to end the conversation but something tells me when Tuesday rolls around I’ll be busy.

I also broke things off with Tex. Chatted with C; turns out he’s still actively married. That, my friend, should have been my choice to enter into. Bullshit that he’d lie about it. He doesn’t even have the decency to ask to talk about it (and yes, in this case, I think he should). Funny, though, I’m not that resentful. Just kind of over it.

I did not confess anything to the beautiful boy. It’ll end soon enough; why hurry things along? In addition to the age difference, he comes from a very different world, and one in which I’ll never be comfortable, so I think I’ll just enjoy our little trysts and stop falling in love.

G. still texts often, sending pics of his son and places they’re traveling. I don’t imagine a future there, either, but as long as we’re both single, it’s a nice thing.

Newest boy, M., was supposed to be a one-time thing. A local from my local pub, he was leaving town to go to graduate school; we went out on his last night in town, ended up (big surprise) in my bed. Fucked most of the night but I have to say, not really my type in bed. A little too something, I’m not sure what. I kind of thought that was that, but he’s been back several weekends already and keeps wanting to get together. I wonder how many times I have to say no before he figures it out. I don’t like fucking men from my local — too close to home. I only did it because I thought he was leaving. Fuck.

So here I am, 47 years old, dropping lovers and still looking for love.

My own mother, who’s never said a word about me not ever being married, finally did. I got ordained so I can officiate at marriages legally – mostly on a lark, partly so I can marry friends who said they wanted me to. Mom comes out with ‘well I guess if you won’t get married on your own you can at least marry other people.’ Knocked the wind out of me. She’s the sweetest person on earth, though, so later when she came and apologized, I lied and told her it was okay. I mean, does she think I want to be alone? or that I’m incapable of finding love? I truly hope that’s not true.

i may be done with J2. We have another date tomorrow, so I’ll reserve judgment, but it occurred to me yesterday that I’m already done. Sigh. I hate breaking up with people, I’m much better at wanting them to like me. We may have had the talk about how we’re not in a relationship, but I’m sensing he’s starting to reconsider that. Wish me luck, dear reader. I may need it.