Boy: I’m getting divorced. Can I come over for sympathy sex?

Me: Will you bring your dog?

Boy:

Me: No, seriously.

A mutual friend had foot surgery and needs to stay off it for four weeks.

Friend: I can’t believe she has to stay completely off her foot for four weeks. That’s so long! I’m glad she has a full time nanny, a husband and both moms around. I’d better make her a casserole or something.

Me: yeah I know it’s tough. I had to stay off mine for eight weeks, and I live alone.

Friend:

Me: but she has two small kids. I know it’s different.

Friend: yeah but you’re tough.

Me: