I saw the beautiful boy again on Sunday. Drank a little too much, ate nothing at all, silly. Back in the sex den, I may have wore him out. I fucked him like I was in love with him — which, for a moment, I sort of was. Haven’t heard from him since. Bet I scared him off. Still glad I went for it, though; better to find out now if he can’t keep up.

I sent G. a text today asking if he wants to get together next week. I’m tired of waiting around to see if he’s going to reach out again. It’s okay if he’s done, I just want to hear it so I can move on. And if he’s not, well, I’d like to see him. So there. [Update: 9pm and haven’t heard from him. And I’m embarrassed that I care, but I do. I deserve better.] [Update 2: 10pm and he’d love to. Happy again.]

J2 is getting annoying again. He’s in a better mood, worked out some of his shit, re-enrolled in college, figuring out the work stuff. Happy for him but kind of over this whole thing now.

Tex is still sweet but starting to act like I’m the girlfriend. Check please! If he figures out the sailboat thing, I’ll decide if I want to go, but I still love NYC and I’m probably not going anywhere.

J. only wants me for threesomes. yawn.

I think I’m going to break up with all of them before I go to Italy, clear the slate, come home and find a real boyfriend. And a real job.

I told J2 I had to go upstate and so I did — not because I had to but because I wanted to make the lie true. Yes, I’m over him. And… I feel a little bit like I’m cheating on G. when I see him. Even though G. and I are not to the point where that’s even a discussion, wtf. Though G. did text and ask for my address on Friday and so I’m pretty sure he’s sending something for Valentine’s and I’ve no idea what I think of that. I’m thrilled because I’ve never actually been dating someone on a Valentine’s Day who wanted to do that, and it seems kind of great to have my frist experience with that. But I”m terrified that it’ll be superficial and he’s sending six of them and I’m only one and it’ll take away from the meaning of it…. which of course he can’t even know. so wtf again.

and I’m reminded of KZ and breaking up with him because I was convinced I was one of the girls he had in every port. Was I right? wrong? how will I ever know?

Self-pity sucks and I’m trying really hard to indulge in it briefly now so I can put on a brave face later.

I think I need to stop dating all of these fuckers and try to find someone I actually want to be with. Sex is better than no sex, but it’s apparently also not only what I want at 46. Who knew I’d turn out to be such a fucking girl.

Agreed to see K. today, went to brunch and movies. I really wanted to keep it an early night, first day back at work tomorrow and all, and told him so, but he insisted on coming back to my place anyway (he wanted to finish fixing the cabinet etc.), and then kind of got mad I didn’t want to sleep with him. Fuck that. Buh-bye.

full moon. hormones? i bet this stupid iud is running out of juice. I WANT A DRINK. I WANT A SMOKE. I AM HUNGRY. I WANT TO GET LAID. I AM CRANKY !!!!!

i am going to sit here on the couch and do nothing of the sort.