jfc you’d think I’d know it by now. I’m cranky, picking fights, can’t settle my headspace. oh right, it’s May. Every year I think, maybe next year I’ll just slip past it, it’s been so long, why does it even bother me. and then here I am, being a giant jerk ass. maybe next year I’ll sign up for some really punishing workout routine May 1st, see if it makes a difference.

see you on the other side of the I’m sure coming soon future crying fest.

I’m going to be a bit fucked up after watching this. I loved the book, had completely forgotten every little thing in it except the fact that I loved it. Now I know.

Does everyone who knows or knew someone with schizophrenia watch it, trying to look away, unable to look away? Every minute of it painful and true. I knew exactly the failure he feels when his brother dies.

Finally had the long-deferred foot surgery on Wednesday, fusing the joint in my right big toe. A bigger deal than I anticipated, and he had some minor complications. I’m in a cast up to my knee, not allowed to put any weight on it for at least two weeks and likely six. Crutches are a giant pain in the ass, because it means I can’t carry anything.

My sister came up for the first few days. I didn’t want her to, but it was nice to be able to stay immobile and let her handle food etc. Today was my first day alone and it was indeed difficult. I have friends coming by tonight and tomorrow, though, so I’ll figure it out.

The hardest part is knowing that the boyfriend stayed in town for the long weekend, but hasn’t come over. He texted once, and we have an ongoing email thread about some movies he recommended I watch while I was laid up, but it’s clear that this was meant to be our break, and it is, indeed, breaking my heart.

maybe it’s time for me to acknowledge that what I’m doing isn’t working. I’m really tired of feeling like this.

I met a boy online. I had a lot of reservations about him, but I went on a date anyway. In person he was much greater than his online persona — none of the ‘can I hook up first’ bullshit. On our first date (around the corner from where he works, I paid for everything) he put me in a cab and sent me home. Then regretted it and texted several times trying to hook up. Next day, he came over and we fucked before going out — and it was great. Really great. I came, he came, his very large cock was very happy. We went out to a bar to watch football (yes, I paid again, not a thing for me but apparently it is for some), came back to fuck again. Decided he didn’t want me fucking anyone else and in the middle of fucking me made me promise to be his girlfriend and not fuck anyone else. I said yes but I didn’t really mean it. He doesn’t sleep over — claims it’s a thing. Next day came over before work so we could fuck. And it was awesome. Again. I had a party that night and he came over after work, met a bunch of my friends, was completely charming, but didn’t stay over because he had to work the next day. The following day he texts me a hundred times, so happy to have met me etc. I come back to the city late so we can meet up after his work– but when I text he says it’ll be too late. “Sorry babe.” and that’s the last I hear from him. I text him in the early morning wishing he was here. I text him later in the day asking if he’s still sleeping. It’s New Year’s Day and I haven’t heard from him all day.

Fuck you, Kyle. If you didn’t care, why did you pretend? If you did, why won’t you return my texts? I’d be okay with this being yet another fuck-buddy relationship, but you were the one who upped the emotional game. Was that just so you could fuck with me?

Fuck you.

yep. that’s all. fuck

So Bad Annie had a birthday date with the beautiful boy and it was wonderful and horrible. He arrived and oh! so adorable. Immediate molestation in the hallway. He said, early on: “I have a confession to make. I’ve really missed you.” I do so completely adore him.

We had sex for a long time. He really wanted me to give in, give up, to be brutal with him. He wanted me to hit him, to love him, to come and make him come. I’m really just not that girl. I’ll do anything — really. but I don’t have that emotional core he’s looking for, I just don’t. We fucked for four hours. I didn’t come at all. We fucked every possible way. He didn’t come until the very end when he basically masturbated with my assistance.

I don’t know if he loves me or is completely disappointed with me, or both. I felt like I’d let him down.

Bad Annie went on a second date with the chaste boy, ended up making out on his couch and then fled. Yes, I had a second date that evening with the beautiful boy, but it was more than that …. honestly, I think if he was just going to be another on the roster of lovers I don’t care about, I might have gone through with it. But he wants a girlfriend and I had a moment of thinking about that and I’m so not doing that with him. Sigh. I suck at breakups.

I did break things off with J2, who didn’t handle it well. So much for the ‘this isn’t a relationship’ pre-discussion. He wants to get together to talk about it. Like I want to talk. I said yes just to end the conversation but something tells me when Tuesday rolls around I’ll be busy.

I also broke things off with Tex. Chatted with C; turns out he’s still actively married. That, my friend, should have been my choice to enter into. Bullshit that he’d lie about it. He doesn’t even have the decency to ask to talk about it (and yes, in this case, I think he should). Funny, though, I’m not that resentful. Just kind of over it.

I did not confess anything to the beautiful boy. It’ll end soon enough; why hurry things along? In addition to the age difference, he comes from a very different world, and one in which I’ll never be comfortable, so I think I’ll just enjoy our little trysts and stop falling in love.

G. still texts often, sending pics of his son and places they’re traveling. I don’t imagine a future there, either, but as long as we’re both single, it’s a nice thing.

Newest boy, M., was supposed to be a one-time thing. A local from my local pub, he was leaving town to go to graduate school; we went out on his last night in town, ended up (big surprise) in my bed. Fucked most of the night but I have to say, not really my type in bed. A little too something, I’m not sure what. I kind of thought that was that, but he’s been back several weekends already and keeps wanting to get together. I wonder how many times I have to say no before he figures it out. I don’t like fucking men from my local — too close to home. I only did it because I thought he was leaving. Fuck.

So here I am, 47 years old, dropping lovers and still looking for love.

My own mother, who’s never said a word about me not ever being married, finally did. I got ordained so I can officiate at marriages legally – mostly on a lark, partly so I can marry friends who said they wanted me to. Mom comes out with ‘well I guess if you won’t get married on your own you can at least marry other people.’ Knocked the wind out of me. She’s the sweetest person on earth, though, so later when she came and apologized, I lied and told her it was okay. I mean, does she think I want to be alone? or that I’m incapable of finding love? I truly hope that’s not true.

I don’t know what possessed me but I went looking online for information about Beautiful Boy’s dad. I knew he’d died a few years ago, and I knew his profession and that he was semi-famous within it, and I knew his name because it’s tattoed on BB’s forearm.

His dad was only eight years older than me. Jesus, this is so wrong.