Tex texted to make plans for tomorrow, but there’s something oddly formal about his wording. Sounds like he wants to ‘talk.’ Fuck I hate talking.

Escaped to the country for the long weekend, came back Sunday to see J2 but he cancelled. Monday I ended up hosting Sex Den III with J and the girl. Boy, is he in trouble. She is so hung up on him. Sex was better, but not worth it. She took some really hot pics of me fucking him – I looked over her shoulder editing the next morning, no identifiable me so no worries. She forgot her phone and came back, so she showered here and I made breakfast. Boy is she hung up on him. I really don’t think I can participate in this.

Saw J2 on Tuesday, he was in a terrible mood all evening and over dinner. We came back and had sex, good but not great, first time I didn’t come – didn’t even try. He slept poorly, got up early and dressed, left early. First time no morning sex, first time he left without insisting on making plans to see me again. I texted him tonight to see if he was okay, no reply.

G. still texts every few days but it’s been, what, two months since I’ve seen him?

Which leaves Tex, who’s out of town, and the beautiful boy.

Maybe it’s time to clear the slate and start over?

That lasted til, what, mid-day Monday? J messages me, J2 texts, beautiful boy emails, M. texts… now I have a full week. Christ.

Saw the beautiful boy again last night. Mostly the same deal, but both of us far more sober. I do wonder how old he thinks I am. Since he hasn’t asked, I don’t feel that bad, but it does seem a bit deceitful. Glad he doesn’t stay over, I’m not sure he needs to see me in the light of day. Christ, he’s beautiful, and young, and smart. He’s exactly what I want, I just want one 10 or 20 or hell even 30 years older.

J wants a repeat with the girl, promised a better time. I’ll do it but maybe not this week. I’m taking tonight off — a beauty appointment and groceries being delivered — and seeing Tex tomorrow, and still have to fit in the horny J2, I guess that means Thurs for him.

I realized on the train last night that if I’m still actively seeing G (and I’m not sure at this point that I am), then I’m sleeping with five men. And occasionally a woman.

So much for resolutions!

I’m just tired of it.

I last saw G. on April 11. It’s a month later.

I just spent $500 on a friend’s book launch party at another friend’s restaurant and I couldn’t eat a thing. I’m home after being cold & tired & hungry, and there’s nothing available for delivery that I want to eat. At least my shoes are off and I’m warm.

I’m going to forage in my kitchen and go to bed.

Fuck I hate May. Who the fuck gets seasonal affective disorder in the spring?

Still seeing G. and J2. Had a thing with J and a new girl J – not so great, her first time, I felt a bit left out. J2 still on the verge of getting too clingy. G. still kind of distant. Nothing new on the horizon, and I’m starting to wish for something more substantial.

Still mad at ex-boy, maybe more than ever. I’m over the relationship part but pissed that he can’t man up and stay friends (the new girl doesn’t want him to). Wish he’d grow up or grow a pair.

May now. Much sunshine and parties ahead but the 22nd is imminent and never far from my thoughts this time of year. Trying to take care of too many people who don’t know that I go home and cry myself to sleep whenever I get a chance.

24 years, you’d think it’d get easier.

posting later but pre-dating so it fits. G. did send flowers, and they were lovely, but nothing changed. And the next time I went over, there was no toothbrush and I’m pretty sure he’d forgotten there ever was. He’s so sweet but I do suspect managing a number of us, it must be hard to keep it all straight. I know I have a hard enough time with changing sheets and putting out the right brand and size of condom and liquor, etc.

We also had a misunderstanding I’m not proud of. I got the daily date email from the dating site we met on (How About We) with a new date posted from him, and it just devastated me. It was posted the same day we had a date, so he’d done it while he was waiting for me. I didn’t see it until after, the day before I went to Texas, and I was just crushed. I finally sent him an email basically saying I didn’t have any illusions about exclusivity but I still didn’t like seeing the evidence in my inbox — btw, the first email I’d ever sent him. and then there was silence. for days. Did I mention I was crushed?

Well after a few days I ignored it and send him a funny picture text and we resumed our usual back & forth. Fast forward a week or two, and guess what? I had a stack of voice messages I didn’t know about (I’d switched carriers and didn’t set everything up right). He’d called the moment he got the email, had apologized and claimed it was an error while fixing his account. Don’t know if I believe that but definitely appreciate the sentiment. AND I HAD HAD NO IDEA he’d left the message. I felt like a fucking idiot. Glad I didn’t make a bigger deal of it.

Later, saw him for a usual date and neither of us mentioned it. We pretended it didn’t happen, and we had some of the best sex to date. Man, I love that man’s dick.

will update later but just couldn’t leave that last desperate hope post sitting there

oh and guess what? it’s april. hello april. i almost forgot about you.

I told J2 I had to go upstate and so I did — not because I had to but because I wanted to make the lie true. Yes, I’m over him. And… I feel a little bit like I’m cheating on G. when I see him. Even though G. and I are not to the point where that’s even a discussion, wtf. Though G. did text and ask for my address on Friday and so I’m pretty sure he’s sending something for Valentine’s and I’ve no idea what I think of that. I’m thrilled because I’ve never actually been dating someone on a Valentine’s Day who wanted to do that, and it seems kind of great to have my frist experience with that. But I”m terrified that it’ll be superficial and he’s sending six of them and I’m only one and it’ll take away from the meaning of it…. which of course he can’t even know. so wtf again.

and I’m reminded of KZ and breaking up with him because I was convinced I was one of the girls he had in every port. Was I right? wrong? how will I ever know?

Self-pity sucks and I’m trying really hard to indulge in it briefly now so I can put on a brave face later.

I think I need to stop dating all of these fuckers and try to find someone I actually want to be with. Sex is better than no sex, but it’s apparently also not only what I want at 46. Who knew I’d turn out to be such a fucking girl.