Let’s not forget that I was all alone tonight. Not single one of my friends, or the men I’ve been dating, called or texted to say happy new year. And as much I’d as I’d like to say that doesn’t matter, it does.

BadAnnie finally picked up a boy in her coffee shop. I mean, I go there every day, but never once has anyone tried to pick me up — until last week. Adorable French boy, visiting his friend for the holidays. At first just sociable, they shared my table, made conversation. Came back the next day and he asked me to share again even though it wasn’t crowded – and on my way out, asked me out for a drink when we got back from Christmas. I knew better but said yes anyway, figuring he’d probably come to his senses over the weekend, but no, he texted me, and the night of the blizzard, we went to the Village to see music.

Kissed me in the bar — wow. He does this biting thing when kissing that is really hot. Impossible time getting back, he’s in ridiculous fashionable shoes in a blizzard, no cabs (not that they could drive anyway), finally got him on the subway home. He was a little sick and had been out in the blizzard, so I made tea, but we started fucking before we could drink it.

We started on the bed, he was surprised by my blow job skills, almost came right there but held back, got the condom on, got me up and fucked me in the kitchen. The kitchen? okay, whatever. From behind, with me leaning over the sink, but then (way cool), my arms on the counter behind me, my feet on the opposite counter in front of me, him in between. My trainer would be proud at the number of tricep dips I can do.

He’s passionate and romantic. Back on the bed, round two, he’s on top, one of my legs on his shoulder, in deep, and he gets this wicked little smile and says, if we weren’t using a condom he’s pretty sure he’d be impregnating me now. What American boy says that? It was truly intended as a loving remark, I didn’t feel the need to tell him I probably wasn’t getting pregnant anyway and in any case wouldn’t want to be…

Round three in the morning, he really wanted to come in my mouth, was surprised I encouraged him. Cleaned up and went back to the coffee shop, kind of glad my regular staffers weren’t there, the other one already a little scandalized.

He wanted to see me again in a day or two — I said sure, again figuring he’d probably back out, but he texted again to set it up. I backed out since he’d given me his cold and suggested we try the following night — again, for the third time, sure he would back out, but no…. we went bowling. It was fun, even if I’m still a little too injured to be sporting, and we came back here again. He really is very sweet.

Oh, and I’m going to hell for sure. He’s 24.

Finally hooked up with K. He sent me an invite through a dating site – kinda funny. I took it as meaning he wanted me to have no doubt of his intentions. Turns out he’s been in a rough patch lately. He seemed in need of some female companionship, so I stepped in.

Not so great, as I could have guessed. Didn’t like using a condom and in a spectacular lack of judgment, I agreed. Can’t do that again. (p.s. just determined not pregnant from before, do I have to worry again?)

He wasn’t so into fucking at all, though. Much more interested in pleasing me, which would have been nice if I’d been more sober. Finally had to tell him to hold it until morning… so he woke me up softly fingering me. Actually very nice – I’d already decided the only way out of this was forward. He was pleased I finally came but then immediately started up again, had to tell him once more to take a break.

Worried he actaully likes me. I really don’t want to repeat this.

G. spent the holiday with his sister, finally texted me Weds. E. was with family then friends this weekend, only replied after my second text. Ex-boy spent the day with his new squeeze but couldn’t tell me about it until after.

Guess I am just the girl they fuck sometimes. Is it too much to ask for a little friendship and decency along the way?

Did I mention he’s 28?

on the second go, our condom broke. fuck.

The lad was so chagrined, deeply concerned that I was now going to have to take the emergency pill. but do I? I’m 46, in perimenopause, I couldn’t get pregnant if I tried right now. but since I’m really, really, not trying? should I take a Plan B? I’m worried about taking the hormones, worried about it making me sick. But seriously, should I risk it? my chances of getting pregnant under the best of circumstances are diminished by 55%. is that enough? how will I know? I haven’t had a period in 7 weeks. I guess I take a pregnancy test in a couple weeks to be sure.

or I wake up tomorrow and get the pill. I’ve put off the decision three days, it’s almost too late already. it’s tomorrow morning or wait & see.

fuck.

still undecided about all this. j. and i still text most days and I’d love to fuck him again, but I suspect the novelty has worn off for him. or he’s just busy. hard to tell.

I need the modern girl’s guide to sex and etiquette. who the fuck knows how this is all supposed to work any more.

i go from elation at the attention (a text from him, a message on OKC) to complete depression if I don’t get any attention for a while. This can’t last.

tonight, flirty texts from m., finalized date with g. tomorrow, online chat w/the 28yo trainer, message from slutty guy who’s moving to nyc. lots of attention but still kind of sad over not seeing j.

i need to get over this.

Bad Annie is afraid that, now that my neighbors have a newborn, they will recognize the sound of a human crying and realize how unhappy I’ve been.

I called my sister, but I didn’t say anything to her. Maybe I just needed to hear her talk. I certainly wasn’t ready to say it out loud. My best friend has breast cancer. My best friend from high school, that is. We only talk every year or two, but deep down, we both know we’re each others bff. I’ve known her since I was 12.

I only found out because she called to tell me Christa killed herself last week. A decade ago, she gave her kidney to Diane. Last week, she couldn’t find her way past her troubles. wtf.

I’m out with friends and b-boy texts looking for company. I say sure and have him stop by the bar down the block to pick me up. He was weirdly non-social with them so I took him upstairs where I realized he was both exhausted (he’d been out in the sun all day) and drunk. Went through the usual motions of porn and couch stroking and then he decided it was time to go. He didn’t come, made no attempt to please me, and left. Fuck him.