I start to freak out every year as the anniversary of your death approaches — and then I miss the actual day. Usually I remember a few weeks later, just before your birthday, but this year I missed that, too. I’d suggest that after 23 years the blow has softened, but really, I know that’s not true. I miss you now and always.

I could have done more.
I didn’t know.
Don was right.

Why does Bad Annie even care? Four sequential conversations tonight, not one of whom LISTENED FOR A FUCKING A WORD I HAD TO SAY.

And I get it. Person X had a very emotional day with a semi-girlfriend who he thought he knocked up but whose embryo wasn’t viable; Person Y is always selfish and pretty much always has one-sided conversations, and Person Z is deaf and kudos to him for even holding a phone conversation. New Person Y is barely social and trying hard to figure it out.

And yet… I needed more out of that culmination of conversations. I really should develop thicker skin or get new friends.

bad annie’s bad deed back in january? he turned 25 over the weekend. yipes.

I had an IUD for over 5 years, and I had it removed last month. I immediately began my first period in 5+ years. Today is the second. HOLY SHIT I forgot how bad this can be. I’m bleeding so much I’m afraid to fall asleep. I’ve forgotten all my survival tactics other than advil and calcium. I ate half a can of cashews. I’m still starving and I hurt all over. WTF.

On the other hand, I think I really did miss being this in touch with my body. It must have changed my hormones and pheromones and any other ‘mones I got… I’m getting more interest from men, not that I’m interested at the moment, but still.

smoke smoke smoke i want a smoke

oh yeah I quit again

just like in a dream. the kind where your heart grips, hard, must be what the start of a heart attack feels like.

he –definitely a ‘he’ — looming over my right shoulder, menacing, about to touch. i spun around, hard. there’s no one there. i’m on fucking houston st., waiting for the bus. there’s tons of people around. where did this come from?

Facebook status updates I’ll never post:

badannie is massively depressed.
badannie needs a pity fuck. anyone? no, not you. and not you. anyone else?
badannie is fat and lonely and can’t get off the couch today.
badannie hates her fucking job.
badannie doesn’t want to do this any more.
badannie wants to blame other people for her current emotional state.
badannie has started smoking again because she can’t think of anything else self-destructive to do.
badannie spent her 44th birthday alone with a takeout pizza and cried herself to sleep.
badannie cried her self to sleep — again.
badannie’s had a very bad year.

Why and how did I think this would make me better? I hate these things and need to throw away every last one of them. I ran out of the high blood pressure patient ones and didn’t want the Tylenol anyway so I took a regular one and now my heart is racing and I might not sleep and I FUCKING HATE THIS.

Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck

I really am that naive.  How is that even fucking possible?

You really thought it was ok to ask my friend where you could go on a date that you wouldn’t run into me?

Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck

You really thought it was ok to ignore me, refuse to answer me in person, on line, on email, at all?

Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck

You really thought it was ok to come back and fuck me afterwards?

Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck

Ain’t nothing good about this day. Unidentified creepy bugs last night, unwelcome revelations today.

But I didn’t smoke. I put in lipstick, boots, tight jeans, ordered a beer. But I didn’t smoke.

I hate them all. Why did I take this stupid fucking job anyway?