I told J2 I had to go upstate and so I did — not because I had to but because I wanted to make the lie true. Yes, I’m over him. And… I feel a little bit like I’m cheating on G. when I see him. Even though G. and I are not to the point where that’s even a discussion, wtf. Though G. did text and ask for my address on Friday and so I’m pretty sure he’s sending something for Valentine’s and I’ve no idea what I think of that. I’m thrilled because I’ve never actually been dating someone on a Valentine’s Day who wanted to do that, and it seems kind of great to have my frist experience with that. But I”m terrified that it’ll be superficial and he’s sending six of them and I’m only one and it’ll take away from the meaning of it…. which of course he can’t even know. so wtf again.

and I’m reminded of KZ and breaking up with him because I was convinced I was one of the girls he had in every port. Was I right? wrong? how will I ever know?

Self-pity sucks and I’m trying really hard to indulge in it briefly now so I can put on a brave face later.

I think I need to stop dating all of these fuckers and try to find someone I actually want to be with. Sex is better than no sex, but it’s apparently also not only what I want at 46. Who knew I’d turn out to be such a fucking girl.

I was lying on my back, legs straight up in the air, while the russian woman waxed my ass, and it occurred to me that I’ve been in this position a lot lately. My trainer makes me do core exercises like that, and more than one of my lovers likes my legs up over their shoulders when they fuck me. Kind of a funny position to be so popular in such varied situations

he gave me a toothbrush and therefore license
to explore the cabinets i’d studiously avoided
the previous times I’d stayed there
but I needed toothpaste
what was a girl to do
so I looked in them all
even after I found it
and wondered if he thought
I’d always known what was there

The responses I’ve gotten have changed since I changed my profile to “bi,” and not just because they now include women. The types of men who respond have changed, and the overall vibe is different.

I still maintain most guys are straight or gay, and most women are bi.
Most straight guys think bi girls are hot. Most gay women think bi girls are slutty.

Are we indecisive? or just more honest?

I haven’t exercised much since hurting my toe, and I’ve been drinking a fair amount, and hence I’ve been feeling less fabulous than I should. And it’s shocking how externally focused I am — I do so need external validation. So I meet this boy who thinks I’m hot and guess what? now I am again.

It’s no secret Bad Annie prefers the company of men. I’d happy have sex with either gender but generally, girls are tiresome. I don’t want to talk about my feelings, I don’t want to gossip, and although I like your dog, I don’t want to talk about your kids.

I love my neighborhood coffeeshop. I go there every morning, it’s a ritual thing. All the regulars know each other, the baristas keep us up to date on neighborhood gossip. Weekends are a crush and I don’t enjoy it much, but weekday mornings are a haven.

I realized last week that I hadn’t been enjoying it as much for a while, until recently when it got nice again. And then it struck me: school had been out over the holidays, and so the mommys took over the coffeeshop with the kids. And now it had gone back to the boys club, me and handful of guys, occasionally another woman but someone like me. We make conversation in quieter tones. We crack sarcastic jokes. We drink our coffee and read the communal newspapers and go about our day.

I was still focused on that revelation when I went in this morning. Saturday and filled with non-regulars, crowded and noisy. The manager recognized the look on my face and said something about wanting the early morning boys club back. Funny we both hit on that description at the same time.

I didn’t get my period. I spotted, a week early, and then when the time came, nothing. I’m not worried about being pregnant, I’ve been pregnant before and boy howdy there’s no mistaking it. No, I’m worried that even though last month was a bloodbath and I’ve had no other symptoms, maybe this is menopause. I’m probably over-reacting. Can I really be menopausal and still be fucking 25 yr olds? (oh god I didn’t know he was 25. I knew he was young, but 25? I’m so sorry. at least booty boy is over 30, and ex-boy is about to be…)

I had an IUD for over 5 years, and I had it removed last month. I immediately began my first period in 5+ years. Today is the second. HOLY SHIT I forgot how bad this can be. I’m bleeding so much I’m afraid to fall asleep. I’ve forgotten all my survival tactics other than advil and calcium. I ate half a can of cashews. I’m still starving and I hurt all over. WTF.

On the other hand, I think I really did miss being this in touch with my body. It must have changed my hormones and pheromones and any other ‘mones I got… I’m getting more interest from men, not that I’m interested at the moment, but still.

bad annie was very bad last night. what’s with all these young boys? I really, truly don’t think I have a thing for them — but there I was, drunk and really in no shape to be exercising judgment. When he kissed me, well, bad annie’s been on a dry spell, I kissed him right back. and then I took him home. I knew it was bad while I was doing it but I just so needed this milestone to be behind me. it was good to be naked with someone again. He talked about love! ex-boy never once used that word in my presence except that one time talking about his ex. anyway i hope he had fun and i hope he doesn’t take it any more seriously than that. he’s a valuable employee, i’d had to make uncle d. have choose between us.