Bored and lonely. Still half in love with the beautiful boy (now 28!), still seeing my fireman very occasionally, still fucking J. and  the occasional other woman. Still home alone and no idea how not to be.

I told J2 I had to go upstate and so I did — not because I had to but because I wanted to make the lie true. Yes, I’m over him. And… I feel a little bit like I’m cheating on G. when I see him. Even though G. and I are not to the point where that’s even a discussion, wtf. Though G. did text and ask for my address on Friday and so I’m pretty sure he’s sending something for Valentine’s and I’ve no idea what I think of that. I’m thrilled because I’ve never actually been dating someone on a Valentine’s Day who wanted to do that, and it seems kind of great to have my frist experience with that. But I”m terrified that it’ll be superficial and he’s sending six of them and I’m only one and it’ll take away from the meaning of it…. which of course he can’t even know. so wtf again.

and I’m reminded of KZ and breaking up with him because I was convinced I was one of the girls he had in every port. Was I right? wrong? how will I ever know?

Self-pity sucks and I’m trying really hard to indulge in it briefly now so I can put on a brave face later.

I think I need to stop dating all of these fuckers and try to find someone I actually want to be with. Sex is better than no sex, but it’s apparently also not only what I want at 46. Who knew I’d turn out to be such a fucking girl.

Why does Bad Annie even care? Four sequential conversations tonight, not one of whom LISTENED FOR A FUCKING A WORD I HAD TO SAY.

And I get it. Person X had a very emotional day with a semi-girlfriend who he thought he knocked up but whose embryo wasn’t viable; Person Y is always selfish and pretty much always has one-sided conversations, and Person Z is deaf and kudos to him for even holding a phone conversation. New Person Y is barely social and trying hard to figure it out.

And yet… I needed more out of that culmination of conversations. I really should develop thicker skin or get new friends.