I’ve got to stop fucking so many men. The laundry alone is killing me.

Tex texted to make plans for tomorrow, but there’s something oddly formal about his wording. Sounds like he wants to ‘talk.’ Fuck I hate talking.

Beautiful boy emailed to make plans for later this week. Guess he doesn’t scare that easily.

I saw the beautiful boy again on Sunday. Drank a little too much, ate nothing at all, silly. Back in the sex den, I may have wore him out. I fucked him like I was in love with him — which, for a moment, I sort of was. Haven’t heard from him since. Bet I scared him off. Still glad I went for it, though; better to find out now if he can’t keep up.

I sent G. a text today asking if he wants to get together next week. I’m tired of waiting around to see if he’s going to reach out again. It’s okay if he’s done, I just want to hear it so I can move on. And if he’s not, well, I’d like to see him. So there. [Update: 9pm and haven’t heard from him. And I’m embarrassed that I care, but I do. I deserve better.] [Update 2: 10pm and he’d love to. Happy again.]

J2 is getting annoying again. He’s in a better mood, worked out some of his shit, re-enrolled in college, figuring out the work stuff. Happy for him but kind of over this whole thing now.

Tex is still sweet but starting to act like I’m the girlfriend. Check please! If he figures out the sailboat thing, I’ll decide if I want to go, but I still love NYC and I’m probably not going anywhere.

J. only wants me for threesomes. yawn.

I think I’m going to break up with all of them before I go to Italy, clear the slate, come home and find a real boyfriend. And a real job.

Escaped to the country for the long weekend, came back Sunday to see J2 but he cancelled. Monday I ended up hosting Sex Den III with J and the girl. Boy, is he in trouble. She is so hung up on him. Sex was better, but not worth it. She took some really hot pics of me fucking him – I looked over her shoulder editing the next morning, no identifiable me so no worries. She forgot her phone and came back, so she showered here and I made breakfast. Boy is she hung up on him. I really don’t think I can participate in this.

Saw J2 on Tuesday, he was in a terrible mood all evening and over dinner. We came back and had sex, good but not great, first time I didn’t come – didn’t even try. He slept poorly, got up early and dressed, left early. First time no morning sex, first time he left without insisting on making plans to see me again. I texted him tonight to see if he was okay, no reply.

G. still texts every few days but it’s been, what, two months since I’ve seen him?

Which leaves Tex, who’s out of town, and the beautiful boy.

Maybe it’s time to clear the slate and start over?

Three for three – beautiful boy on Tuesday, Tex on Wednesday, J2 on Thursday. J2 was solo, the friend couldn’t come, just as well, I was so wiped out between too much sex and being sick.

No plans for the coming week, and unless G. calls, maybe I’ll take the week off. Sounds like I could do with some reflecting, even if I really don’t like to have too many nights alone.

Went to an executive dinner and was seated next to this lovely boy, too young of course, but super smart, had already sold a company and started another, was raised by ballet dancers and has a grace that makes you wonder at first if he’s gay. Dear readers, he is not gay. After too much wine and champagne and banal conversation, we skipped out and came downtown for a drink on our own. I took him to my local, where he progressively touched and kissed until we had to leave. Sweet boy, slim but not athletic, wanted me to tell him how much I wanted him to fuck me while he was fucking me. Not my thing but I tried my best. After, he kept telling me how cute I was. I am 100% positive he does not know how old I am. Ok and I will shamefully admit this: again, no condom. What is wrong with me this week?

Tex and I met in, well, Texas, through our mutual friend C., though he lives here, partly in Brooklyn at his music studio and part out at Montauk. Had an “is this a date or not” date a couple of weeks ago. Followed up with a second and in case there was any doubt, got a big kiss upon arrival. Ok then. Hung out at the bar, ate my 7th, 8th and 9th oysters of my life (not as good as the first ones though), drank bourbon, went back to the studio to walk his dog. Nice sex, I had drank too much for an orgasm, but nice nevertheless. Surprised me by fucking me without a condom, though. I am normally 100% safe but I didn’t object, didn’t even ask about it. I’m sure that’s why I feel odd about the whole thing now. Well, that plus: this isn’t just a sexual relationship. This is a man who wants more and is probably not going to be okay with me fucking half of NYC.

I last saw G. on April 11. It’s a month later.

posting later but pre-dating so it fits. G. did send flowers, and they were lovely, but nothing changed. And the next time I went over, there was no toothbrush and I’m pretty sure he’d forgotten there ever was. He’s so sweet but I do suspect managing a number of us, it must be hard to keep it all straight. I know I have a hard enough time with changing sheets and putting out the right brand and size of condom and liquor, etc.

We also had a misunderstanding I’m not proud of. I got the daily date email from the dating site we met on (How About We) with a new date posted from him, and it just devastated me. It was posted the same day we had a date, so he’d done it while he was waiting for me. I didn’t see it until after, the day before I went to Texas, and I was just crushed. I finally sent him an email basically saying I didn’t have any illusions about exclusivity but I still didn’t like seeing the evidence in my inbox — btw, the first email I’d ever sent him. and then there was silence. for days. Did I mention I was crushed?

Well after a few days I ignored it and send him a funny picture text and we resumed our usual back & forth. Fast forward a week or two, and guess what? I had a stack of voice messages I didn’t know about (I’d switched carriers and didn’t set everything up right). He’d called the moment he got the email, had apologized and claimed it was an error while fixing his account. Don’t know if I believe that but definitely appreciate the sentiment. AND I HAD HAD NO IDEA he’d left the message. I felt like a fucking idiot. Glad I didn’t make a bigger deal of it.

Later, saw him for a usual date and neither of us mentioned it. We pretended it didn’t happen, and we had some of the best sex to date. Man, I love that man’s dick.