why do I always get mad at ex-boy during the open? he’s been trying to be so nice and so he wanted to arrange to get me tickets. first time ever. but he also invited the newlyweds, also to be nice, and it was, but then they all arranged to go weds instead of tues and I already had plans. I got bent out of shape but realized, he’s just trying to be nice, and I should suck it up and rearrange my plans. so I do. and he says he’s going to stay after the day match so he can see us and have a drink and hang out– but the newlyweds get there first and he texts me over & over but I’m still waiting for k., and by the time I get in the stadium, he’s back in the office, won’t come out, and leaves to go to dinner. so now I’m all mad again and it’s stupid.

I should get over it. I should finish reading The Art of Happiness. I should get laid. I really have to disengage.

ex-boy tags along to the wine dinner with me. we actually saw each other a bunch last week. fine but whatever. now that i don’t want to fuck him i don’t really care.

anyway, we all got pretty drunk and shared a cab back downtown and he basically passed out in the cab so when the three of us got to my stop i relented and told him to come stay over ‘on the couch.’ we both knew he’d sleep in the bed with me but i could barely take the look on v’s face as it was.

so we go to bed, platonically, next to each other. right before we go to sleep, he actually says it out loud: i did love you, annie. you know i do.

and you know what? i wanted it to matter. i wanted it to make a difference. but i just don’t fucking care any more. too little, too late. and i know, truly, that even if it is true, he’s incapable of actually loving me. and i don’t want that, not even a little.

I am the girl who you text and say, I’m supposed to be behaving but there’s this girl who might want a 3-way…

My response: is she cute?

Turns out they weren’t looking for an immediate hook-up. Guess we’ll see. He did say she had nice tits.

“I can’t believe you don’t think I didn’t love you” is what I think he said. I kind of lost count of the multiple negatives in the sentence. I do know what ex-boy meant, but the fact that he’d never say it is part of what used to piss me off. If he wants me to believe it, he has to actually say it.

Otherwise, it’s been fine having him around again. Went to the movies last night with him and his boyfriend. K is staying with him while he’s getting back on his feet; it’s clearly good for both of them. But ex-boy is being mighty flirty around me. I do hope he realizes that ship has sailed.

washing up the kitchen, admittedly belatedly, had to move aside the champagne glasses from the tugboat crew to wash the teapot from new boy and put the water glass from b-boy in the dishwasher.

okay, yes, b-boy was in the hood tonight, and I needed to wash the memory of the new boy off of me. he came over all sweet and relatively sober, we had lovely slippery shower sex after he modeled his tighty whities from under his softball outfit.

he may not fuck me, but he’s definitely boy enough for me.

holy shit the captain called. just to ask a question of his local tour guide, and to say he’ll be in town Tues or Weds. He was kind of nice on the phone, sweet and flirty.

didn’t think I was getting a call-back from that audition…

I am super-excited. He can call me any time, for anything. We go can out, or not. We can fuck, or not. You know how some chicks are about firemen? i’m that way about captains. especially tugs!

What a great way to end the weekend.

my ‘hood for another WC match with new boy, back to my place for sex, out to the movies, back to my place for dinner and more sex.

same impressions as last time. i’ll give him credit: three orgasms, truly. he really does have a talented tongue.

I think he thinks he’s about to have a girlfriend. I’m looking for exit strategies. Gotta decide if I’m going to man up or weasel out.

need I say more?

a little younger, a lot less bright, rock hard sexy, a little confused by me, didn’t want to cheat on his girlfriend but didn’t at all mind my naked tits next to him all night. my nipples are still sore. i’m sure everyone thinks we fucked, and I’m not dissuading anyone from that misconception, but the truth is, he was really sweet about the girlfriend thing.

still, super nice to wake up next to that. mmmm.

and? best.commute.ever. dropped off at the pier 16 in a tug. lol.

called in sick because we were going to go play all day. not so disappointed when he decided to be responsible instead. probably time for a quick visit home to that girlfriend anyway.

I’m out with friends and b-boy texts looking for company. I say sure and have him stop by the bar down the block to pick me up. He was weirdly non-social with them so I took him upstairs where I realized he was both exhausted (he’d been out in the sun all day) and drunk. Went through the usual motions of porn and couch stroking and then he decided it was time to go. He didn’t come, made no attempt to please me, and left. Fuck him.

Bad Annie went on a date with someone I met online. First online date ever – second date total in 30 years.

The ceramicist was sweet and smart and funny. Unlike the last date, I was very comfortable with him, my usual smart-ass self. We hung out for the whole evening, went back to his studio & made out on the couch. And I decided not to fuck him, at least not right then, so I came home. I’m not sure I’ve ever done that before.

He followed up the next day, we’ve chatted a few times since, I’m seeing him again on Sat. It’s not going to be an earth-shaking relationship — he’s really not ‘boy’ enough to stand up to me — but fuck I’m bored, he is absolutely better company than being alone.