Summer’s over and G. called up for a dinner date, the son now safely ensconced up at university. Dinner, a drink back at his place, stayed over as usual but he didn’t fuck me. I sucked him for a while, and he liked it but didn’t come, and he barely fondled me. He did, however, bring me a gift from Paris, and invite me up to his country place. I think he’s just getting older. Not sure how I feel about this change – it’s not like I like him so much that a sex-less relationship is going to cut it.

I want to sell my apartment and use part of the profit to fund a year off. I am craving drastic change. Fuck-it kind of change. If I clear $500k, which is possible, I will put $300k in a safe liquid account, put $100k in an off-shore account with me and my siblings’ names on it, and put the remaining $100k in an adventure fund. I don’t think I’ll spend even half of it, but I want it to be accessible. I will sell off most of my belongings, put in storage everything else, and take off.

Part of the time I want to do volunteer work. I’ve found so much joy these last two years doing muck-outs, demolitions and now rebuilds. The disaster corps community is filled with fucked-up people I love. I think I can alternate some longer-term volunteer work with adventure travel, do that hike in New Zealand, ski the King’s Trail in Sweden, walk across Japan…  see who I meet, what I want to do when it’s done.

Fuck it, I’m (almost) 50 and alone, I think I should just do what I want. I don’t want to do it alone, but if I can afford the group guided travel, that’ll work.

If I sell it, and at that price… otherwise, money is strapped right now, and it makes me more than a little nervous. I wanted to wait until next spring to sell, let things in the building and the neighborhood settle, but I’m going to call my broker when I get back and start exploring options.

I turn 50 in 12 days. I’ve never cared about an age before, but this one has me wound up. All I have to say to myself is that I’ll be 50 and alone, and it’s hard not to cry. Why do I care? because it seems like if I’m alone now, I really might always be. And I’m not ready to face up to the idea that I might go through my entire fucking life never being in love. It just seems so unfair.