Escaped to the country for the long weekend, came back Sunday to see J2 but he cancelled. Monday I ended up hosting Sex Den III with J and the girl. Boy, is he in trouble. She is so hung up on him. Sex was better, but not worth it. She took some really hot pics of me fucking him – I looked over her shoulder editing the next morning, no identifiable me so no worries. She forgot her phone and came back, so she showered here and I made breakfast. Boy is she hung up on him. I really don’t think I can participate in this.

Saw J2 on Tuesday, he was in a terrible mood all evening and over dinner. We came back and had sex, good but not great, first time I didn’t come – didn’t even try. He slept poorly, got up early and dressed, left early. First time no morning sex, first time he left without insisting on making plans to see me again. I texted him tonight to see if he was okay, no reply.

G. still texts every few days but it’s been, what, two months since I’ve seen him?

Which leaves Tex, who’s out of town, and the beautiful boy.

Maybe it’s time to clear the slate and start over?

That lasted til, what, mid-day Monday? J messages me, J2 texts, beautiful boy emails, M. texts… now I have a full week. Christ.

Saw the beautiful boy again last night. Mostly the same deal, but both of us far more sober. I do wonder how old he thinks I am. Since he hasn’t asked, I don’t feel that bad, but it does seem a bit deceitful. Glad he doesn’t stay over, I’m not sure he needs to see me in the light of day. Christ, he’s beautiful, and young, and smart. He’s exactly what I want, I just want one 10 or 20 or hell even 30 years older.

J wants a repeat with the girl, promised a better time. I’ll do it but maybe not this week. I’m taking tonight off — a beauty appointment and groceries being delivered — and seeing Tex tomorrow, and still have to fit in the horny J2, I guess that means Thurs for him.

I realized on the train last night that if I’m still actively seeing G (and I’m not sure at this point that I am), then I’m sleeping with five men. And occasionally a woman.

So much for resolutions!

Three for three – beautiful boy on Tuesday, Tex on Wednesday, J2 on Thursday. J2 was solo, the friend couldn’t come, just as well, I was so wiped out between too much sex and being sick.

No plans for the coming week, and unless G. calls, maybe I’ll take the week off. Sounds like I could do with some reflecting, even if I really don’t like to have too many nights alone.

Maybe it’s just apocalypse sex — supposedly the world is ending on Saturday.

M. has had throat cancer, I’m now pretty sure I’m the first person he’s had sex with since treatment. He is sterile, so no pregnancy worries, but I still should be better about this. Saw him again last night, slept over at the studio again — he’s too tall for my queen size bed, seemed easier to go to his man cave.

I am seeing J2. with a friend tonight. After that, I think I need to take a few days off and sort things through. I can’t keep seeing M. unless I am going to respect his feelings and presumably that means not sleeping around. I can’t keep having unprotected sex with multiple partners.

I need to figure out what I want.

Went to an executive dinner and was seated next to this lovely boy, too young of course, but super smart, had already sold a company and started another, was raised by ballet dancers and has a grace that makes you wonder at first if he’s gay. Dear readers, he is not gay. After too much wine and champagne and banal conversation, we skipped out and came downtown for a drink on our own. I took him to my local, where he progressively touched and kissed until we had to leave. Sweet boy, slim but not athletic, wanted me to tell him how much I wanted him to fuck me while he was fucking me. Not my thing but I tried my best. After, he kept telling me how cute I was. I am 100% positive he does not know how old I am. Ok and I will shamefully admit this: again, no condom. What is wrong with me this week?

Tex and I met in, well, Texas, through our mutual friend C., though he lives here, partly in Brooklyn at his music studio and part out at Montauk. Had an “is this a date or not” date a couple of weeks ago. Followed up with a second and in case there was any doubt, got a big kiss upon arrival. Ok then. Hung out at the bar, ate my 7th, 8th and 9th oysters of my life (not as good as the first ones though), drank bourbon, went back to the studio to walk his dog. Nice sex, I had drank too much for an orgasm, but nice nevertheless. Surprised me by fucking me without a condom, though. I am normally 100% safe but I didn’t object, didn’t even ask about it. I’m sure that’s why I feel odd about the whole thing now. Well, that plus: this isn’t just a sexual relationship. This is a man who wants more and is probably not going to be okay with me fucking half of NYC.

I told J2 I had to go upstate and so I did — not because I had to but because I wanted to make the lie true. Yes, I’m over him. And… I feel a little bit like I’m cheating on G. when I see him. Even though G. and I are not to the point where that’s even a discussion, wtf. Though G. did text and ask for my address on Friday and so I’m pretty sure he’s sending something for Valentine’s and I’ve no idea what I think of that. I’m thrilled because I’ve never actually been dating someone on a Valentine’s Day who wanted to do that, and it seems kind of great to have my frist experience with that. But I”m terrified that it’ll be superficial and he’s sending six of them and I’m only one and it’ll take away from the meaning of it…. which of course he can’t even know. so wtf again.

and I’m reminded of KZ and breaking up with him because I was convinced I was one of the girls he had in every port. Was I right? wrong? how will I ever know?

Self-pity sucks and I’m trying really hard to indulge in it briefly now so I can put on a brave face later.

I think I need to stop dating all of these fuckers and try to find someone I actually want to be with. Sex is better than no sex, but it’s apparently also not only what I want at 46. Who knew I’d turn out to be such a fucking girl.

some time has passed, gentle reader, and now it’s time to play catch up. I may not have a chance to put these posts into proper order, so apologies in advance for any inconsistencies in time sequencing.

well I did see the beautiful boy e. that week, and it was lovely. for the second time, he walks in and I’m naked before we leave the hallway. my kitchen counter, again put to good use. much fucking and sucking and loving. he held me all night. it’s such a happy and loving thing.

and i’m still seeing g., most recently the other night. it’s been stormy in nyc, my friends, and it was the day after an ice storm. we were going to go out to a show, then we reduced it to just dinner, but by the time I got to his place and we drank some wine, the next thing I know we were naked and dinner plans had been forgone. We had really nice, more passionate sex than usual, then he lent me a bathrobe and cooked me dinner and we drank more wine, then had more sex and went to sleep. Morning sex, though I had to initiate it, and then my usual dash out home to get ready to work. When I’m not with him, I fantasize about this being something more, but when I’m with him, I realize that this occasional fuck is all I need, want, and am getting.

oh, and i’m seeing a new J. now. J2 is a regular guy — he works at a media company, lives in queens with his brother, went to college but seems more self-educated, reads a lot, knows a lot, and simply loves having sex with me. we met online and had a chaste first date, but I quickly put an end to that on the 2nd date. We walked home nearly 4 miles and then fucked until we ran out of condoms. He likes sex, and he likes me, and he’s not looking for a girlfriend, and although neither of us is opposed to this turning into a relationship if it happens to go there, neither of us is confusing the sex with emotion. It’s some kind of awesome. And, maybe I forgot to mention this, but I came with him, the first time and always. He’s really good at cunnilingus, and really good at using the real name for things. He thinks my labia is soft. He noticed what I liked the first time and put it to good use the subsequent times. We were going to see each other again this coming weekend but couldn’t wait — saw him Wednesday.

So, yes, not that I’m counting, but between Tues with G. and Weds with J2, I had sex 6 times in 24 hr hours. I’m a happy girl.

How did I luck into this? G. takes me out, buys me dinner, drinks, fucks me, sets the alarm for whatever time I ask, fucks me again upon waking, is a perfect gentleman, walks me out to get a cab in the morning. All this, and a giant cock. BadAnnie = Happy. I occasionally wander into a fantasy where I become the girlfriend but honestly, why would I ruin such perfect arrangement?

too hard to keep finding the older post, so here’s the year-end total:

b-boy
ex-boy
new boy
J.
Creepy V.
J. & A.
E.
G.
K.
French Boy