Turns out Tex just wanted to see me – no agenda, or none he put forth anyway. Still trying to figure out if I need to get out of this. I had a fleeting thought to break up with him last night, but the sad truth is, I lost my keys and knew I wouldn’t be able to get into my apartment until the morning when my super arrived, so I let it go. Really? it’s come to that?

Beautiful Boy emailed to say he wasn’t feeling well and needed to reschedule. Totally fine, of course, except I’d decided I didn’t have any clothes cool enough to go on another date with him, so I went shopping. Now what do I do? I refused a second date with Tex because we had plans. Now I’m all dressed up with nowhere to go. Guess I’ll go to the usual bar, even if it feels a bit sad alone.

Still haven’t heard from G. I’d kind of kept Thursday open in case he got in touch, but now I have plans with Beautiful Boy, late, and Tex offered to get me into the show as VIP. Choices, I suppose, but they don’t feel right.

will update later but just couldn’t leave that last desperate hope post sitting there

oh and guess what? it’s april. hello april. i almost forgot about you.

I could have easily been with either the French Boy or K. tonight but I chose not to. I’m still doing exactly what I didn’t want to be doing — playing social director for a bunch of people who couldn’t figure out how to make plans on their own — but the truth is, they are my peeps and I do love them all. And I just couldn’t be bothered to be on a date tonight, none of them are special enough and I did not want to send the wrong message. If I happen to pick up a date along the way of the evening, well, what can I say? it’s been that kind of year. But if not, I’m okay with ending the year alone, this time by choice. (although I will admit here, my admitting place, that I also chose not to change the sheets, instead just used my ironing spray, so I will sleep tonight amidst the scent of lavendar and young French boy… perchance to dream of love in the coming year. perhaps I am ready.)

I can’t figure out how I feel about things until I write it out here. It’s not like I can talk to most of my friends about it, after all.

I think I really do like J. I can’t quite figure him out — does he do this a lot? or did he just get really lucky finding the two of us?

And I’m not sure what to do, overall. Heading into holiday season, it would be really nice to have a boyfriend or girlfriend to take to parties and etc. But now that I’ve started down the slut road, do I really want to lock the door and start fucking only one person again? Is this a choice I have to make, even assuming I could find someone?

Maybe my new ideal is in between — an open relationship? or semi-open? someone who cleans up well enough to play the boyfriend, but open to a little something on the side. I guess you make up your own rules along the way. Maybe you only bring in third parties together, no one-on-one extracurriculars. Maybe you only fuck other women, leaving the cock as the exclusive. I don’t know but I guess I don’t need to figure it out until the situation presents itself.

I’m a little worried that I might fall for him and get my feelings hurt. There is no question that this is an up-front, sex-only relationship, but did I mention that I do kind of like him?

Okay, now that I write this, I think it’s just transference. I should probably go fuck someone else and get over this quickly. Except my ass hurts a bit, so I should probably wait a day or two before getting naked with someone.

I’m leaving my profile as ‘bi.’ I only changed it at J.’s request, and I had some hesitancy over that, but now that it’s true? guess what, it’s true. I’m totally open to either gender. And equally important? totally open to other threesomes. It’s really kind of nice. I might respond to another OKC guy who is openly in an open relationship, see where that goes.

Speaking of which, adorable 28yr old trainer girl wants to text tonight. She seems a little lost and I hope I can help her. I’d love to fuck her but she sounds like she wants a relationship, I don’t think I’m up for a confused 28yr old in NJ in my life.

Coffee date in a little while with another OKC guy, we’ll see what that brings.

Stay tuned for more from the sex chronicles…