Tuesday he texts and calls me all day at work. We talk about how hard it is to communicate when we don’t know each other very well, he reiterates how much he wants to be with me — but he again won’t make plans to see me, puts me off again, promises he’ll come by between his shifts Weds (he’s working a double on his first day back, which sounds like a really bad idea). He sends me pics of the blood in the hallway; there is rather a lot of it. I make plans to see a friend so I don’t sit around and wallow in this, and he gets jealous, wants to know if it’s a guy and someone I’ve been seeing. I tell him the truth, which is no, but really, if he won’t see me, how long am I supposed to pretend to be committed to this thing?

I texted him late evening, no answer. I texted him this morning, no answer until almost 11. He can’t come see me today. Too bad I took the fucking day off so I could be here. I don’t tell him I did it for him but I do tell him I’m working from home. Maybe he’ll change his mind later and work something out. Maybe he won’t and I’ll keep my date with the beautiful boy tomorrow. Actually, at this point, I think I’m keeping my date either way. It’s just a matter of whether I’m admitting it to him or not.

I texted midday to see how he was — he said he was pretty fucked up and was going back to the hospital again to check in. Apparently he has a 3-inch gash in his head, lost a lot of blood, doesn’t remember much about what happened. Again, if true, horrible and I do wish he’d let me come check on him. But he refused again… called me when he left the hospital and we chatted for a minute, he did sound really out of it.

Either way, though, it’s kind of fucked up. A) I don’t trust him enough to believe this, and that’s fucked up; or B) he doesn’t trust me enough to want me there to help and care.

This has a bad feeling, dear reader. I can’t put my finger on it, but there it is. In person he dispels it but I haven’t seen him since Friday afternoon.

Oh, and the beautiful boy wrote today and asked to take me to dinner. I was there, not hearing back from Kyle, getting pissed I couldn’t make other plans and feeling a little guilty about wanting to. I put him off until later in the week — one way or another, this thing is getting settled tomorrow. If Kyle and I agree to try to sort this out, I’ll break the date. If not, I’ll have a date to console me.

Somewhere along the line I realized I couldn’t have gone out with him tonight or tomorrow anyway. I still have that fucking hickey.

I REALLY HAVE TO STOP DATING CHILDREN.

I broke down and texted him again. He wrote back right away this time, says he got a concussion falling on the stairs last night. If true, I feel bad for him– I do. Why do I still feel like something is off? I really don’t trust him yet; I don’t know why.

He says he thought we were together, really wants this to work, wants to see me tomorrow.

I will try.

I met a boy online. I had a lot of reservations about him, but I went on a date anyway. In person he was much greater than his online persona — none of the ‘can I hook up first’ bullshit. On our first date (around the corner from where he works, I paid for everything) he put me in a cab and sent me home. Then regretted it and texted several times trying to hook up. Next day, he came over and we fucked before going out — and it was great. Really great. I came, he came, his very large cock was very happy. We went out to a bar to watch football (yes, I paid again, not a thing for me but apparently it is for some), came back to fuck again. Decided he didn’t want me fucking anyone else and in the middle of fucking me made me promise to be his girlfriend and not fuck anyone else. I said yes but I didn’t really mean it. He doesn’t sleep over — claims it’s a thing. Next day came over before work so we could fuck. And it was awesome. Again. I had a party that night and he came over after work, met a bunch of my friends, was completely charming, but didn’t stay over because he had to work the next day. The following day he texts me a hundred times, so happy to have met me etc. I come back to the city late so we can meet up after his work– but when I text he says it’ll be too late. “Sorry babe.” and that’s the last I hear from him. I text him in the early morning wishing he was here. I text him later in the day asking if he’s still sleeping. It’s New Year’s Day and I haven’t heard from him all day.

Fuck you, Kyle. If you didn’t care, why did you pretend? If you did, why won’t you return my texts? I’d be okay with this being yet another fuck-buddy relationship, but you were the one who upped the emotional game. Was that just so you could fuck with me?

Fuck you.

Fuck he’s 27. 27! Fuck.

I looked up an old friend and we had dinner and it was nice and I wanted him to see how great things were for me now and it went too well and he kissed me on the lips good night and asked me out on a date and all I wanted was for him to tell our mutual friends that I was doing well.

The holidays are approaching and being alone for them makes me sad, again and always. It’s been 3+ weeks since I’ve seen G. and I know as the holidays arrive I’ll see him even less. The beautiful boy will fade, everyone will focus on whatever else they need to go do and I’ll be here, with my coupled-up friends, alone again. I am, truly, devastated. I never once thought I’d end up alone in life, and my little heart may very well break from the tragedy.

So Bad Annie had a birthday date with the beautiful boy and it was wonderful and horrible. He arrived and oh! so adorable. Immediate molestation in the hallway. He said, early on: “I have a confession to make. I’ve really missed you.” I do so completely adore him.

We had sex for a long time. He really wanted me to give in, give up, to be brutal with him. He wanted me to hit him, to love him, to come and make him come. I’m really just not that girl. I’ll do anything — really. but I don’t have that emotional core he’s looking for, I just don’t. We fucked for four hours. I didn’t come at all. We fucked every possible way. He didn’t come until the very end when he basically masturbated with my assistance.

I don’t know if he loves me or is completely disappointed with me, or both. I felt like I’d let him down.

I am, truly, not the girl you take home to mom & dad. I am not the girl you date. I am the girl you call last-minute for sex, when it’s mutually convenient. I am never the girl who goes home for the holidays, goes to your corporate dinner party or even meets your friends.

Bad Annie went on a ‘real’ date yesterday and barely knew how to conduct herelf. After a chaste kiss goodbye I wasn’t sure if I’d failed somehow or if that’s how it’s supposed to go.

At this point in my life, shouldn’t I be able to be my true fulfilled self and still be able to be with a partner? WTF. I’ve been completely deceived.

will update later but just couldn’t leave that last desperate hope post sitting there

oh and guess what? it’s april. hello april. i almost forgot about you.