I told J2 I had to go upstate and so I did — not because I had to but because I wanted to make the lie true. Yes, I’m over him. And… I feel a little bit like I’m cheating on G. when I see him. Even though G. and I are not to the point where that’s even a discussion, wtf. Though G. did text and ask for my address on Friday and so I’m pretty sure he’s sending something for Valentine’s and I’ve no idea what I think of that. I’m thrilled because I’ve never actually been dating someone on a Valentine’s Day who wanted to do that, and it seems kind of great to have my frist experience with that. But I”m terrified that it’ll be superficial and he’s sending six of them and I’m only one and it’ll take away from the meaning of it…. which of course he can’t even know. so wtf again.

and I’m reminded of KZ and breaking up with him because I was convinced I was one of the girls he had in every port. Was I right? wrong? how will I ever know?

Self-pity sucks and I’m trying really hard to indulge in it briefly now so I can put on a brave face later.

I think I need to stop dating all of these fuckers and try to find someone I actually want to be with. Sex is better than no sex, but it’s apparently also not only what I want at 46. Who knew I’d turn out to be such a fucking girl.

BadAnnie has enough health, relative wealth, and common sense to feel embarrassed by my occasional lapses into self-pity. I am lonely and I want a better job and to own my apartment and all kinds of things, but then I pass Our Lady of the Subway Tunnel, crazy and destitute, and a hundred other people a day who are worse off than I am and I wonder what right I even have to feel like this. I should be so lucky these are my problems.

Agreed to see K. today, went to brunch and movies. I really wanted to keep it an early night, first day back at work tomorrow and all, and told him so, but he insisted on coming back to my place anyway (he wanted to finish fixing the cabinet etc.), and then kind of got mad I didn’t want to sleep with him. Fuck that. Buh-bye.

Nice date with G., as planned we ordered in thai food, watched a movie, fucked. Sex and affection are nice, but this isn’t love.

He’s going to spend christmas through new years in kent with his son – Bad Annie needs to look for another new year’s date. I’m okay with it, though; our relationship is nice, comfortable and without expectation. Guess it’ll stay that way.

I almost bought him a Christmas present. I couldn’t imagine that he planned to exchange gifts, but I got nervous. I brought a bottle of champagne and then chickened out on going to the store in Soho — and glad I did, there was absolutely no need.

He does have a giant cock. Not to mention the thickest one — feels amazing inside me. He’s so big, it’s practically heroic going down on him. Speaking of which, I have been maligning him, at least in my head, thinking that he never goes down on me. He did last night and I remembered he has before, just not every time. He’s not very good at it, but seriously, with that dick, who needs to be. He had some trouble staying hard, first time with me. I’m chalking it up to the wine. I didn’t think we drank that much – the champagne, and a bottle of Napa cab – but I’m a tad hungover this morning, so it must have been more than nothing. Still a fine, fuckable evening.

As usual when I’m with him, I didn’t check my phone/email even once until this morning. Funny he’s the only one who gets that respect/attention from me. Texts and email from K., probably wondering where I was. Yikes, gotta deal with that. Please tell me I’m not desperate enough to continue this just so I don’t spend New Year’s alone. Though as I write this, Trainer Girl just messaged me on OKC — maybe I’ll see what she’s up to. Doesn’t fucking a 28-year-old girl from New Jersey who just broke up with her boyfriend sound like a much better plan?

why am I suddenly thinking about love, though? is this just rebound emotions?

I don’t remember the whole dream – it was the night before’s already – but the end of it is I find a condom by the bed and when I go to pick it up, I find ex-ex S. hiding under the bed. That’s so creepy.

I don’t remember the rest of the dream but here’s how it ends: I have to take a giant bite of this big fluffy dandelion weed looking marshmallowy thing, and I just know it’s going to be gross but I know I have to do it, and I cry, ‘but I just wanted Ginny here when I had to do it,” but she isn’t and so I take a big giant totally gross bite of it and it melts awfully in my mouth.

the night before: airplane dreams, this one weird, like one of those old-fashioned fantasy chubby prop planes. We were barely able to get seats, typical dream confusion and rushing. It was at the top of the hill – needed, apparently, for us to get airborne.

then last night: mary and I have somehow stolen a police cruiser. we take it through a toll booth, slowly, another car to our side masking us, but then we can’t figure out if it’s okay to have run the toll. i can’t remember if we go back or not, but we end up out at phil and karen’s, the green house. they’re not there but stewart is, and tom m. from the old job (who, by the way, I barely know) is making me a steak dinner. mary and i can’t decide if it’s okay to leave the cruiser parked out front and go to move it, run into the neighbors who have kids. maybe we’ll put it in the garage next door instead, they’re not home.

oh, and somewhere in last night’s dream was the plane again. I remember thinking, that’s the plane from last night’s dream.

where did we leave off? ex-boy arrives, fucks me, then tells me about the new girl he’s dating. wtf. not that i wouldn’t have fucked him anyway, i probably would have, but it should have been my choice. i spend the entire long weekend miserable. he’s fine in the morning until the west coast wakes up, then he’s insufferable until bedtime, when he wants to have sex again. fml.

somewhere during or after that weekend i realized it’s long past time to end this. maybe everyone else on earth already knew that, but really, my feelings only need to get hurt a couple of dozen times before I sort that out.

and i spend the next few weeks completely miserable. do we really need to hear about that?

still no blood but doctor says there’s nothing wrong. went to go see her about WTF happened that we’re still not talking about and while I was there, she confirmed I’m not pregnant and not menopausal and don’t have any diseases they test for. so everything’s fine, I’m just not menstruating. they want to induce one if it goes another month. wtf.