No bullshit

bored & horny, so i broke down and texted an invite for tonight – didn’t think much of the polite ‘i’m busy’ until m. said he’s having a rooftop party. and didn’t invite me.

why do i even care? i so need to get laid by a real man.

ok we have to talk about the hair. good of me not to have mentioned it earlier, no? back hair, belly hair, huge swaths of coarse, black, ungroomed hair everywhere. some like it, i’m sure, but me? not so much. that’s really all i want to say about it.

not even my type, but what can i say? he was there and he made his interest clear right away. probably an asshole and not particularly attractive to me, but he does know how to touch. i like that firm touch, someone who knows what they want. he was way more attentive than i’ve had recently. i even had an orgasm – and i almost never do that on a first date. (this is not the place to discuss badannie’s trust issues, dear reader, we’re going to gloss right over that.)

how it started: his fingers were salty from the food and he offered them to me (remember this is about 30 minutes after we’d met!). i declined but he said, you have to admit it was a romantic gesture. i said yes but it really was just that i didn’t want the salt. so he brushes off the salt, dips his finger in the olive oil and offers me that instead. wow. ballsy. and what did badannie do? i took that finger right in my mouth and licked it. guess that pretty much set the stage.

he and m. went off to another party and i admit i spent a good part of the rest of the day thinking about that finger and what it could do.

later: late night visit, making out with a giant thunderstorm in the background. sex, sleep, sex again very early in the morning. and yep, couldn’t stop myself from starting up a third again later. earlier in the evening i had paid him $4 to take his clothes off – joking, of course, but i made him keep it the next day so he could be my man whore.

did m. set this up as a pity fuck? who cares. i liked it and i needed it. badannie doesn’t want him as a boyfriend but i wouldn’t mind another roll or two before we go on our way.

Bad Annie had a bad dream. The kind where you do bad things.

My friend and I were going hiking on an overnight trip. We stopped at this low-rent hotel where we’d apparently been before (some of our stuff was in the drawers). My friend reminds me that we have to leave right away to make sure we hit the scramble while it’s still light, but of course I then have to pee first.

This part of the dream gets boring and I hesitate to note to the gentle reader that I often have this kind of dream, searching for a toilet but it’s dirty or busy or whatever. Whatever. Let’s skip the psychoanalysis for now.

I finally succeed and return to the room — and it’s almost dark outside, my friend is mad and lying on the bed. I apologize but I know I’ve fucked up, essentially ruined the whole trip. I sit down on the bed and note that if it’s already this dark we weren’t going to make it anyway. He says yeah, he knows, but he’s just pissed. I acknowledge it silently, close my eyes, and realize he’s kissing the top of my head. What? This has never happened before, he’s married, we’re not that kind of friends. I open my eyes and he’s looking at me, and then he’s kissing me for real, a little gentle and exploratory but unmistakably a real kiss. WTF. I kiss back mostly out of reflex but there’s a weird emotionality to it and my first thought is, well, we can’t take this back.

I start to freak out every year as the anniversary of your death approaches — and then I miss the actual day. Usually I remember a few weeks later, just before your birthday, but this year I missed that, too. I’d suggest that after 23 years the blow has softened, but really, I know that’s not true. I miss you now and always.

I could have done more.
I didn’t know.
Don was right.

Why does Bad Annie even care? Four sequential conversations tonight, not one of whom LISTENED FOR A FUCKING A WORD I HAD TO SAY.

And I get it. Person X had a very emotional day with a semi-girlfriend who he thought he knocked up but whose embryo wasn’t viable; Person Y is always selfish and pretty much always has one-sided conversations, and Person Z is deaf and kudos to him for even holding a phone conversation. New Person Y is barely social and trying hard to figure it out.

And yet… I needed more out of that culmination of conversations. I really should develop thicker skin or get new friends.

bad annie’s bad deed back in january? he turned 25 over the weekend. yipes.

I had an IUD for over 5 years, and I had it removed last month. I immediately began my first period in 5+ years. Today is the second. HOLY SHIT I forgot how bad this can be. I’m bleeding so much I’m afraid to fall asleep. I’ve forgotten all my survival tactics other than advil and calcium. I ate half a can of cashews. I’m still starving and I hurt all over. WTF.

On the other hand, I think I really did miss being this in touch with my body. It must have changed my hormones and pheromones and any other ‘mones I got… I’m getting more interest from men, not that I’m interested at the moment, but still.

badannie has absolutely nothing to say tonight

so i’ve had the post-sex and i’ve had the re-ex. time for more!