No bullshit

really, is there anything better? you know each other’s needs so well and yet have so little left at stake. really good, really nice sex. i needed that! it’s right up there with first-time hottie sex.

yes, I thought he didn’t want me any more. yes, i was pissed at him. but what are my choices? stay mad or get laid? what do you think I chose?

oh yes, bad annie got laid all damn week.

the second night, up again, this time with sirens, seemingly never-ending. turns out it was a big tenement fire just down the road in Chinatown, two people killed, way more devastated. awful, sad, tragic.

but then… almost every night since then. more than three weeks now. 4:30-ish on the dot. after daylight savings? 5:30-ish. maybe i should just start getting up, go to the gym early.

smoke smoke smoke i want a smoke

oh yeah I quit again

i’ve been smoking. a lot. i quit for a week on vacation and lit up the moment i was home. but i smoked too much the other night, drinking, and it stunk. i’m done again. i’m done.

happy music gives way to neil young and there you are, don, playing it loud outside the window, trying to piss off paper mag.

I didn’t know you were an addict. I knew you were a drunk — seriously, we all were — but I didn’t know you had or were headed for heroin. You were so alive, so engaged — how does heroin fit in with that?

I wish I could talk with others who knew you, but I don’t talk to them any more, only Greta and she’s too fragile. I wish i knew.

and I’m up. nervous – twitchy like a teenager in a scary movie. It’s like there’s some sound I can’t identify, I can’t hear it now, but I think it woke me up. Bad dreams? maybe. something has me deeply unsettled. I give in, get up.

bad annie was very bad last night. what’s with all these young boys? I really, truly don’t think I have a thing for them — but there I was, drunk and really in no shape to be exercising judgment. When he kissed me, well, bad annie’s been on a dry spell, I kissed him right back. and then I took him home. I knew it was bad while I was doing it but I just so needed this milestone to be behind me. it was good to be naked with someone again. He talked about love! ex-boy never once used that word in my presence except that one time talking about his ex. anyway i hope he had fun and i hope he doesn’t take it any more seriously than that. he’s a valuable employee, i’d had to make uncle d. have choose between us.

just like in a dream. the kind where your heart grips, hard, must be what the start of a heart attack feels like.

he –definitely a ‘he’ — looming over my right shoulder, menacing, about to touch. i spun around, hard. there’s no one there. i’m on fucking houston st., waiting for the bus. there’s tons of people around. where did this come from?

Facebook status updates I’ll never post:

badannie is massively depressed.
badannie needs a pity fuck. anyone? no, not you. and not you. anyone else?
badannie is fat and lonely and can’t get off the couch today.
badannie hates her fucking job.
badannie doesn’t want to do this any more.
badannie wants to blame other people for her current emotional state.
badannie has started smoking again because she can’t think of anything else self-destructive to do.
badannie spent her 44th birthday alone with a takeout pizza and cried herself to sleep.
badannie cried her self to sleep — again.
badannie’s had a very bad year.

full moon. hormones? i bet this stupid iud is running out of juice. I WANT A DRINK. I WANT A SMOKE. I AM HUNGRY. I WANT TO GET LAID. I AM CRANKY !!!!!

i am going to sit here on the couch and do nothing of the sort.