No bullshit

I don’t know what possessed me but I went looking online for information about Beautiful Boy’s dad. I knew he’d died a few years ago, and I knew his profession and that he was semi-famous within it, and I knew his name because it’s tattoed on BB’s forearm.

His dad was only eight years older than me. Jesus, this is so wrong.

Turns out Tex just wanted to see me – no agenda, or none he put forth anyway. Still trying to figure out if I need to get out of this. I had a fleeting thought to break up with him last night, but the sad truth is, I lost my keys and knew I wouldn’t be able to get into my apartment until the morning when my super arrived, so I let it go. Really? it’s come to that?

Beautiful Boy emailed to say he wasn’t feeling well and needed to reschedule. Totally fine, of course, except I’d decided I didn’t have any clothes cool enough to go on another date with him, so I went shopping. Now what do I do? I refused a second date with Tex because we had plans. Now I’m all dressed up with nowhere to go. Guess I’ll go to the usual bar, even if it feels a bit sad alone.

Still haven’t heard from G. I’d kind of kept Thursday open in case he got in touch, but now I have plans with Beautiful Boy, late, and Tex offered to get me into the show as VIP. Choices, I suppose, but they don’t feel right.

My Tantric sex instructor said she liked me, I was fun.

yep. for those of you counting, that’s 3 dates already lined up for this week. ballet on weds, so it’s a full week already.

Tex texted to make plans for tomorrow, but there’s something oddly formal about his wording. Sounds like he wants to ‘talk.’ Fuck I hate talking.

Beautiful boy emailed to make plans for later this week. Guess he doesn’t scare that easily.

I bought this lavendar shirt dress at the place I had my suit made. It’s lovely but a little preppy, and I decided when I bought it that it would be perfect to wear on a date with G. But then I didn’t hear from him and I haven’t been able to bring myself to wear the dress; I really wanted that to be the first time. Now I get to wear the dress.

I saw the beautiful boy again on Sunday. Drank a little too much, ate nothing at all, silly. Back in the sex den, I may have wore him out. I fucked him like I was in love with him — which, for a moment, I sort of was. Haven’t heard from him since. Bet I scared him off. Still glad I went for it, though; better to find out now if he can’t keep up.

I sent G. a text today asking if he wants to get together next week. I’m tired of waiting around to see if he’s going to reach out again. It’s okay if he’s done, I just want to hear it so I can move on. And if he’s not, well, I’d like to see him. So there. [Update: 9pm and haven’t heard from him. And I’m embarrassed that I care, but I do. I deserve better.] [Update 2: 10pm and he’d love to. Happy again.]

J2 is getting annoying again. He’s in a better mood, worked out some of his shit, re-enrolled in college, figuring out the work stuff. Happy for him but kind of over this whole thing now.

Tex is still sweet but starting to act like I’m the girlfriend. Check please! If he figures out the sailboat thing, I’ll decide if I want to go, but I still love NYC and I’m probably not going anywhere.

J. only wants me for threesomes. yawn.

I think I’m going to break up with all of them before I go to Italy, clear the slate, come home and find a real boyfriend. And a real job.

Escaped to the country for the long weekend, came back Sunday to see J2 but he cancelled. Monday I ended up hosting Sex Den III with J and the girl. Boy, is he in trouble. She is so hung up on him. Sex was better, but not worth it. She took some really hot pics of me fucking him – I looked over her shoulder editing the next morning, no identifiable me so no worries. She forgot her phone and came back, so she showered here and I made breakfast. Boy is she hung up on him. I really don’t think I can participate in this.

Saw J2 on Tuesday, he was in a terrible mood all evening and over dinner. We came back and had sex, good but not great, first time I didn’t come – didn’t even try. He slept poorly, got up early and dressed, left early. First time no morning sex, first time he left without insisting on making plans to see me again. I texted him tonight to see if he was okay, no reply.

G. still texts every few days but it’s been, what, two months since I’ve seen him?

Which leaves Tex, who’s out of town, and the beautiful boy.

Maybe it’s time to clear the slate and start over?

That lasted til, what, mid-day Monday? J messages me, J2 texts, beautiful boy emails, M. texts… now I have a full week. Christ.

Saw the beautiful boy again last night. Mostly the same deal, but both of us far more sober. I do wonder how old he thinks I am. Since he hasn’t asked, I don’t feel that bad, but it does seem a bit deceitful. Glad he doesn’t stay over, I’m not sure he needs to see me in the light of day. Christ, he’s beautiful, and young, and smart. He’s exactly what I want, I just want one 10 or 20 or hell even 30 years older.

J wants a repeat with the girl, promised a better time. I’ll do it but maybe not this week. I’m taking tonight off — a beauty appointment and groceries being delivered — and seeing Tex tomorrow, and still have to fit in the horny J2, I guess that means Thurs for him.

I realized on the train last night that if I’m still actively seeing G (and I’m not sure at this point that I am), then I’m sleeping with five men. And occasionally a woman.

So much for resolutions!