No bullshit

There’s no getting around the fact that I need to mark this day. Part of me feels like it’s just a cry for attention — I mean, really, it was 24 years ago, and we weren’t even together at the time. Isn’t this really just a way of making it about me?

No. I’m sorry, but no. I’m allowed a day to grieve and acknowledge the loss. I watched my friend lose his sanity over the course of months (probably longer, but it was so visible those last few months). He truly thought the end of the world was coming, and that his sacrifice would somehow prevent it. He poured gasoline on himself and lit the match. That was yesterday, and the beginning of the longest day. Today marks the day he finally died.

Should I stay home? go out? be alone? with friends? eat? drink? fast? there are no good answers, because there are no right answers. No one, I’m sure, acknowledges this day other than me and his family. Does Rebekah remember? I want to call but I won’t ask. If she doesn’t, surely that’s healthier than me, sitting here, 24 years later, grieving the loss of my friend and my dream of first love.

I wish I could call Kae or Laura or Geoff or Don and talk to them today. I know they know what day it is. But it can’t possibly help them to know that I remember it, too. So I’ll stay home, so I don’t cry in public, and I’ll write this note to acknowledge both publicly and anonymously, I miss my friend. I still feel regret that I couldn’t help more.

And then, grace willing, I’ll wrap it back up in the box, lovingly and carefully, and I’ll put it back on the shelf until next year. Maybe that’ll be the year it stays there until I go get it again, instead of slipping down around the first signs of spring.

I love you, Steve. I always will.

Three for three – beautiful boy on Tuesday, Tex on Wednesday, J2 on Thursday. J2 was solo, the friend couldn’t come, just as well, I was so wiped out between too much sex and being sick.

No plans for the coming week, and unless G. calls, maybe I’ll take the week off. Sounds like I could do with some reflecting, even if I really don’t like to have too many nights alone.

Maybe it’s just apocalypse sex — supposedly the world is ending on Saturday.

M. has had throat cancer, I’m now pretty sure I’m the first person he’s had sex with since treatment. He is sterile, so no pregnancy worries, but I still should be better about this. Saw him again last night, slept over at the studio again — he’s too tall for my queen size bed, seemed easier to go to his man cave.

I am seeing J2. with a friend tonight. After that, I think I need to take a few days off and sort things through. I can’t keep seeing M. unless I am going to respect his feelings and presumably that means not sleeping around. I can’t keep having unprotected sex with multiple partners.

I need to figure out what I want.

Went to an executive dinner and was seated next to this lovely boy, too young of course, but super smart, had already sold a company and started another, was raised by ballet dancers and has a grace that makes you wonder at first if he’s gay. Dear readers, he is not gay. After too much wine and champagne and banal conversation, we skipped out and came downtown for a drink on our own. I took him to my local, where he progressively touched and kissed until we had to leave. Sweet boy, slim but not athletic, wanted me to tell him how much I wanted him to fuck me while he was fucking me. Not my thing but I tried my best. After, he kept telling me how cute I was. I am 100% positive he does not know how old I am. Ok and I will shamefully admit this: again, no condom. What is wrong with me this week?

Tex and I met in, well, Texas, through our mutual friend C., though he lives here, partly in Brooklyn at his music studio and part out at Montauk. Had an “is this a date or not” date a couple of weeks ago. Followed up with a second and in case there was any doubt, got a big kiss upon arrival. Ok then. Hung out at the bar, ate my 7th, 8th and 9th oysters of my life (not as good as the first ones though), drank bourbon, went back to the studio to walk his dog. Nice sex, I had drank too much for an orgasm, but nice nevertheless. Surprised me by fucking me without a condom, though. I am normally 100% safe but I didn’t object, didn’t even ask about it. I’m sure that’s why I feel odd about the whole thing now. Well, that plus: this isn’t just a sexual relationship. This is a man who wants more and is probably not going to be okay with me fucking half of NYC.

I’m just tired of it.

I last saw G. on April 11. It’s a month later.

I just spent $500 on a friend’s book launch party at another friend’s restaurant and I couldn’t eat a thing. I’m home after being cold & tired & hungry, and there’s nothing available for delivery that I want to eat. At least my shoes are off and I’m warm.

I’m going to forage in my kitchen and go to bed.

Fuck I hate May. Who the fuck gets seasonal affective disorder in the spring?

Still seeing G. and J2. Had a thing with J and a new girl J – not so great, her first time, I felt a bit left out. J2 still on the verge of getting too clingy. G. still kind of distant. Nothing new on the horizon, and I’m starting to wish for something more substantial.

Still mad at ex-boy, maybe more than ever. I’m over the relationship part but pissed that he can’t man up and stay friends (the new girl doesn’t want him to). Wish he’d grow up or grow a pair.

May now. Much sunshine and parties ahead but the 22nd is imminent and never far from my thoughts this time of year. Trying to take care of too many people who don’t know that I go home and cry myself to sleep whenever I get a chance.

24 years, you’d think it’d get easier.

posting later but pre-dating so it fits. G. did send flowers, and they were lovely, but nothing changed. And the next time I went over, there was no toothbrush and I’m pretty sure he’d forgotten there ever was. He’s so sweet but I do suspect managing a number of us, it must be hard to keep it all straight. I know I have a hard enough time with changing sheets and putting out the right brand and size of condom and liquor, etc.

We also had a misunderstanding I’m not proud of. I got the daily date email from the dating site we met on (How About We) with a new date posted from him, and it just devastated me. It was posted the same day we had a date, so he’d done it while he was waiting for me. I didn’t see it until after, the day before I went to Texas, and I was just crushed. I finally sent him an email basically saying I didn’t have any illusions about exclusivity but I still didn’t like seeing the evidence in my inbox — btw, the first email I’d ever sent him. and then there was silence. for days. Did I mention I was crushed?

Well after a few days I ignored it and send him a funny picture text and we resumed our usual back & forth. Fast forward a week or two, and guess what? I had a stack of voice messages I didn’t know about (I’d switched carriers and didn’t set everything up right). He’d called the moment he got the email, had apologized and claimed it was an error while fixing his account. Don’t know if I believe that but definitely appreciate the sentiment. AND I HAD HAD NO IDEA he’d left the message. I felt like a fucking idiot. Glad I didn’t make a bigger deal of it.

Later, saw him for a usual date and neither of us mentioned it. We pretended it didn’t happen, and we had some of the best sex to date. Man, I love that man’s dick.