No bullshit

will update later but just couldn’t leave that last desperate hope post sitting there

oh and guess what? it’s april. hello april. i almost forgot about you.

I told J2 I had to go upstate and so I did — not because I had to but because I wanted to make the lie true. Yes, I’m over him. And… I feel a little bit like I’m cheating on G. when I see him. Even though G. and I are not to the point where that’s even a discussion, wtf. Though G. did text and ask for my address on Friday and so I’m pretty sure he’s sending something for Valentine’s and I’ve no idea what I think of that. I’m thrilled because I’ve never actually been dating someone on a Valentine’s Day who wanted to do that, and it seems kind of great to have my frist experience with that. But I”m terrified that it’ll be superficial and he’s sending six of them and I’m only one and it’ll take away from the meaning of it…. which of course he can’t even know. so wtf again.

and I’m reminded of KZ and breaking up with him because I was convinced I was one of the girls he had in every port. Was I right? wrong? how will I ever know?

Self-pity sucks and I’m trying really hard to indulge in it briefly now so I can put on a brave face later.

I think I need to stop dating all of these fuckers and try to find someone I actually want to be with. Sex is better than no sex, but it’s apparently also not only what I want at 46. Who knew I’d turn out to be such a fucking girl.

BadAnnie has enough health, relative wealth, and common sense to feel embarrassed by my occasional lapses into self-pity. I am lonely and I want a better job and to own my apartment and all kinds of things, but then I pass Our Lady of the Subway Tunnel, crazy and destitute, and a hundred other people a day who are worse off than I am and I wonder what right I even have to feel like this. I should be so lucky these are my problems.

i may be done with J2. We have another date tomorrow, so I’ll reserve judgment, but it occurred to me yesterday that I’m already done. Sigh. I hate breaking up with people, I’m much better at wanting them to like me. We may have had the talk about how we’re not in a relationship, but I’m sensing he’s starting to reconsider that. Wish me luck, dear reader. I may need it.

I was lying on my back, legs straight up in the air, while the russian woman waxed my ass, and it occurred to me that I’ve been in this position a lot lately. My trainer makes me do core exercises like that, and more than one of my lovers likes my legs up over their shoulders when they fuck me. Kind of a funny position to be so popular in such varied situations

I wanted to hear from G. today, and I did. He texted to tell me they’d found the hiker who went missing, and he wanted to make sure I carried a phone when I hiked. Very sweet. He’s fighting a cold, and when I told him I hoped he felt better, he said ‘thank you my dear.’ I think it’s the first endearment he’s used with me, and it’s made me very happy.

he gave me a toothbrush and therefore license
to explore the cabinets i’d studiously avoided
the previous times I’d stayed there
but I needed toothpaste
what was a girl to do
so I looked in them all
even after I found it
and wondered if he thought
I’d always known what was there

some time has passed, gentle reader, and now it’s time to play catch up. I may not have a chance to put these posts into proper order, so apologies in advance for any inconsistencies in time sequencing.

well I did see the beautiful boy e. that week, and it was lovely. for the second time, he walks in and I’m naked before we leave the hallway. my kitchen counter, again put to good use. much fucking and sucking and loving. he held me all night. it’s such a happy and loving thing.

and i’m still seeing g., most recently the other night. it’s been stormy in nyc, my friends, and it was the day after an ice storm. we were going to go out to a show, then we reduced it to just dinner, but by the time I got to his place and we drank some wine, the next thing I know we were naked and dinner plans had been forgone. We had really nice, more passionate sex than usual, then he lent me a bathrobe and cooked me dinner and we drank more wine, then had more sex and went to sleep. Morning sex, though I had to initiate it, and then my usual dash out home to get ready to work. When I’m not with him, I fantasize about this being something more, but when I’m with him, I realize that this occasional fuck is all I need, want, and am getting.

oh, and i’m seeing a new J. now. J2 is a regular guy — he works at a media company, lives in queens with his brother, went to college but seems more self-educated, reads a lot, knows a lot, and simply loves having sex with me. we met online and had a chaste first date, but I quickly put an end to that on the 2nd date. We walked home nearly 4 miles and then fucked until we ran out of condoms. He likes sex, and he likes me, and he’s not looking for a girlfriend, and although neither of us is opposed to this turning into a relationship if it happens to go there, neither of us is confusing the sex with emotion. It’s some kind of awesome. And, maybe I forgot to mention this, but I came with him, the first time and always. He’s really good at cunnilingus, and really good at using the real name for things. He thinks my labia is soft. He noticed what I liked the first time and put it to good use the subsequent times. We were going to see each other again this coming weekend but couldn’t wait — saw him Wednesday.

So, yes, not that I’m counting, but between Tues with G. and Weds with J2, I had sex 6 times in 24 hr hours. I’m a happy girl.

I went by the wineshop for the express purpose of running into E. I have to say, after years with ex-boy being ashamed of me in public, especially his family, it is so nice to have a boy light up when I walk in and give me a giant hug. Truly. He apologized, saying he’d hoped to get together this weekend, but he’s been sick. Bonus, though, made a date for next weekend. Now that’ll help me get over my little tourist! And E. has a big heart, this may not be love but it is warm and genuine and won’t feel like just trashy sex. Bad Annie’s a happy girl again.

Sweet boy has gone home to Paris, and I am bereft. Of course I know we have no future — for gods sake, he’s 24 — but… but… there is something to this. He touched me in a way I didn’t know I wanted, or had forgotten. He’s made me want love, truly want it, for real. He talked about love — love! — on our first date, and spoke of it often, in a natural way, of common discourse. I’ve never. My relationships have all been at arm’s length compared to this.

So thank you, dear L., for releasing my heart. It may get broken, but at least it won’t be frozen.

Je t’aime.